'T AIN'T

FUNNY

McGEE!"*

I came across the following on the blog of someone who describes himself as... "A creative person... comedy - music - writing... but mostly comedy." He is offering advice to aspiring comedians, regarding opening lines, and he gives as good(?) examples the contributions from a couple of what can only be called... cozeners!

The names are anagrams... they know who they are! 

1st Comic: Erma Gonskeet (very high energy rush to the stage)

“YO YO YO! WHAT’S UP PARTY PEOPLE?

If you think 911 was an inside job, lemme hear you make some noise…”
(as the crowd cheers, she catches her breath a bit and lowers her energy)
“and if you don’t, then I have a poorly made Netflix documentary I’d like to show you”

(raises energy again)

“Wake up and smell the loose change mother f**kers…”

After this opening whirlwind, she continues into a string of one-liners extolling how funny she’ll be as if selling her act to the audience…

“I hope you brought an extra colostomy bag, cause you guys are going to lose your s**t”

“I hope you don’t mind looking a little gay, cause you won’t be able to keep a straight face”

The second comic on the lineup is Conan Tishvane.

He starts off a little more subdued, but still with a good energy. He speaks directly to the crowd, acknowledging them with a “Give yourselves a round of applause” and then he makes a quick reference in the moment to the incredible shrinking mic stand…(somehow the mic stand got loosened and slid down when he moved it out-of-the-way) after getting these niceties our of the way, he hits his first joke:

“All the way from New York, I am a military veteran. I am a military veteran… (this will always get a smattering of applause, as it should… and as they clap he pulls out his dog tags…) “Yeah, these are real… yeah, I didn’t get them at Hot Topic or wherever the f**k people are getting these…. I saw a guy the other day wearing them and I said ‘Hey bro, I was in the military, what branch were you in?’… and he kinda mumbled something ‘Navy’… and I said, “Oh shit, you were in the Navy… and said ‘No.. Old Navy, I got it at Old Navy on Friday…’

Old Navy is an American clothing and accessories retailing company, where… “You can find all of your wardrobe "must-have's" at prices you can’t believe. Everything from your favorite T-shirts and jeans to your seasonal fashion faves. 

If this is comedy, I am King Caractacus! It is even less funny than ‘Fleabag’… and I didn’t think that was possible!

Unbelievably, there are people who will actually defend this dross… Here’s a quote from someone described as a… “writer, actor and stand-up comedian”.

"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny."

Does this mean that if your unfunny comedian goes into hospital for an operation, and he or she dies on the operating table, that’s successful? Hmmn?

We can all do that… “Gi’s a job! Where's me scalpel?"

It's balderdash, piffle and poppycock… now they were funny!

*A catch-phrase from the American radio show, 'Fibber McGee and Molly', which aired for more than 1100 episodes from 1935 to 1959. Set in the fictional Midwestern city of Wistful Vista, the sitcom was a reflection of the American scene, and showcased some top-notch comic and musical talent. The show’s creators and stars were a married couple, Jim and Marian Jordan.