VIDEO

PANTO

INFO     

                       

Well, dear reader... it looks like the coronavirus calamity has put the damper on the pantomime season… both amateur and professional. However, in the true grit and polished troupers’ tradition, the show must go on. So… here’s a possible solution, courtesy of G. Wizz’s whimsical wonderment... aaand... it's all free (although maybe not that easy!)

What ya do is... video ya panto, but not by getting everyone together... nope... ya make the script available electronically, allocate the roles, and people video themselves doing the lines. The best idea would be to do the shots in close-up, so that the background would be out of focus. They could be shot virtually anywhere, but preferably outdoors in natural lighting. 

The actors could knock up their own costumes, wigs, props etc., from crepe paper and the like, based on suggestions the 'producer' sends out. There are lots of ideas on t'Interweb, many of which are copyright free. https://www.instructables.com/ is a good starting point.

You could concoct 'chorus numbers' by having people sing the lyrics to a standard song... nursery rhyme or similar... and this can be edited by 'cross-cutting' from one performer to the next. That way you keep it simple, and you can get the non-copyright, well-known  tunes from a variety of electronic sources.

All this means that you don't have to get together, but it stimulates creativity, and who knows… maybe relieves a bit of boredom.

Can’t help you with the technical side unfortunately. It’s all geek to me. I’m still having problems with a potato peeler!

Here’s a suggestion for an opening number, sung to the tune… ‘Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here!’.

CHORUS #1      Hey, hey, the gang's all here,

CHORUS #2      Oooo… we gotta great show,

CHORUS #3      Absotutely boffo!

CHORUS #4      So… give us three good cheers…

CHORUS #5      Here we are… rarin’ to go!         

 

CHORUS #6      Weee gotta lotta fun,

CHORUS #7      And a fairy story,

CHORUS #8      All o’ that… and more-ee!

CHORUS #9      Something for everyone,

CHORUS #10    Hope it suits ya to a T!

CHORUS # 1     (HOLDS SAUCER IN ONE HAND AND CUP IN THE OTHER – 

                          SPOKEN IN A 'PLUMMY VOICE) Don't mind if ey do!    

A fairy song, sung to the tune … ‘Bobby Shaftoe’

FAIRY                (SINGS)  Fairy Nightingale, that’s me, 

                          Down from off the Christmas tree

                          Ain’t I just a honeybee, starring in this panto? (POSES)

                          (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST, OFF CAMERA) Hold it… hold it!

                          MUSIC STOPS

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE, OUT FRONT) What do you                               mean… you ought to… buzz off? Cheek!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Thank  you… mousetrap!

                          PICK UP ON MUSIC

                          (SINGS) Boyfriends… I have had umpteen...

                          Just you watch me steal this scene

                          'Cos I am a beauty queen...

                          Peachy-keen... but more so!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Wait... just a minute… wait! 

                          MUSIC

                          (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE} Who said, “She’s got a face like a flat tyre.”?

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE) Was it you?                     

                          (TO PIANIST) Continue…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) Magic spells, I like to weave,

                           Oh what tricks are up my sleeve,

                           Adam would have left his Eve,

                           For my mumbo jumbo

                           (SPOKEN TO AUDIENCE) All right… no funny cracks about “jumbo”!                                           Common lot! (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST) Please…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) As a singer, I’ve got pluck,

                           Sorry folks, you’re out of luck,

                           'Cos we tried... but couldn’t book,

                           Adele for this panto!

                           (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE) She wanted thirty quid... and her own coat                                   hanger in the dressing room!

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) That’s mi song,

                           I’ve sung it right,

                           To applaud would be polite,

                           If you don’t, then I just might…

                           Sing another solo!

 

And… an all-purpose number, sung to the tune… ‘The Caissons Go Rolling Along.’

CHORUS #1      We got verve, we got nerve,

CHORUS #2      And we get what we deserve,

CHORUS #3      When we’re swingin’, and singin’ a song!

CHORUS #4      We’re far out… there’s no doubt,

CHORUS #5      Hey…that’s what it’s all about,

CHORUS #6      Stick with us and… you won’t go far wrong!

And one for the finale, sung to the tune… ‘Camptown Races’

CHORUS #1      Oh, it’s great to sing this song,

CHORUS #2      Soo-pah, doo-pah!

CHORUS #3      We rang the bell and banged the gong,

CHORUS #4      Shout hip-hip-hooray!

CHORUS #5      Reached the dizzy heights,

CHORUS #6      And we did okay!

CHORUS #7      We sorta sorted out that scallywag

CHORUS #8      Time for us to fade away!

You might even include an audience participation number, sung to the tune… ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It!”

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (LEFT INDEX FINGER TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it then you really ought to show it,

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE AND LEFT INDEX FINGER                                    TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

www.retiredscouter.com/resource_songs.html - has literally hundreds of songs based on popular non-copyright tunes.

 

As far as a script is concerned…

savvytheatre.wixsite.com/pmfly/free has ‘Cindrella a Pantomime’, and ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ attributed to one… Sheree Vickers, which, the site states…

“… can be adapted and re-written according to your individual group needs.”

Unfortunately Sheree is a little confused with regards to gender in the animal kingdom, hence the lines in “Jack…”

Mum:    Jack, I’m afraid I have some bad news...we’re going to have to sell the... (She spells     the word C-O-W)

             The cow pauses, works out the spelling and then moo’s its disapproval.

 Cow:    Moooo            

 Jack:    ...but mum, he’s my best friend - even if he is a cow.

 

Herrrm… the cow is a she, Sheree!

Still, dear reader, you might use this script as a basis.

another possible starting point is…

https.//annperrin.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/cinderella-the-whole-panto-in-five-minutes/or...

http://jiru.blogspot.com/2011/11/short-play-mixed-up-fairy-tale.html

So… there you go!. Nothing to it really... apart from a lot of work!

For a free bottle of Millburn's Midnight Oil send just £1.50 to P.O. Box 2, Threefor, Fife

Best of luck!

 

GIVE
PEAS
A CHANCE!

According to the BBC News this morning, someone… who I confess I wouldn’t know from Adam (or Eve for that matter)… has apparently signed an exclusive multi-year podcast deal with Spotify, believed to be worth $100m (£82 million).

Now… all  this is geek to me. First of all, I don’t know what Spotify is.  I can only assume that they are manufacturers of some sort of... pimple preparation. As far as a ‘podcast’ is concerned, I would hazard a guess that that involves fixing the elongated seed vessel of a leguminous plant to a hook on the end of a fishing line and… casting it into a canal, a creek or a culvert. What’s the catch? I can’t fathom out why anyone would pay so much moolah for messing about on a river. There must be some other angle, surely!

'T AIN'T

FUNNY

McGEE!"*

I came across the following on the blog of someone who describes himself as... "A creative person... comedy - music - writing... but mostly comedy." He is offering advice to aspiring comedians, regarding opening lines, and he gives as good(?) examples the contributions from a couple of what can only be called... cozeners!

The names are anagrams... they know who they are! 

1st Comic: Erma Gonskeet (very high energy rush to the stage)

“YO YO YO! WHAT’S UP PARTY PEOPLE?

If you think 911 was an inside job, lemme hear you make some noise…”
(as the crowd cheers, she catches her breath a bit and lowers her energy)
“and if you don’t, then I have a poorly made Netflix documentary I’d like to show you”

(raises energy again)

“Wake up and smell the loose change mother f**kers…”

After this opening whirlwind, she continues into a string of one-liners extolling how funny she’ll be as if selling her act to the audience…

“I hope you brought an extra colostomy bag, cause you guys are going to lose your s**t”

“I hope you don’t mind looking a little gay, cause you won’t be able to keep a straight face”

The second comic on the lineup is Conan Tishvane.

He starts off a little more subdued, but still with a good energy. He speaks directly to the crowd, acknowledging them with a “Give yourselves a round of applause” and then he makes a quick reference in the moment to the incredible shrinking mic stand…(somehow the mic stand got loosened and slid down when he moved it out-of-the-way) after getting these niceties our of the way, he hits his first joke:

“All the way from New York, I am a military veteran. I am a military veteran… (this will always get a smattering of applause, as it should… and as they clap he pulls out his dog tags…) “Yeah, these are real… yeah, I didn’t get them at Hot Topic or wherever the f**k people are getting these…. I saw a guy the other day wearing them and I said ‘Hey bro, I was in the military, what branch were you in?’… and he kinda mumbled something ‘Navy’… and I said, “Oh shit, you were in the Navy… and said ‘No.. Old Navy, I got it at Old Navy on Friday…’

Old Navy is an American clothing and accessories retailing company, where… “You can find all of your wardrobe "must-have's" at prices you can’t believe. Everything from your favorite T-shirts and jeans to your seasonal fashion faves. 

If this is comedy, I am King Caractacus! It is even less funny than ‘Fleabag’… and I didn’t think that was possible!

Unbelievably, there are people who will actually defend this dross… Here’s a quote from someone described as a… “writer, actor and stand-up comedian”.

"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny."

Does this mean that if your unfunny comedian goes into hospital for an operation, and he or she dies on the operating table, that’s successful? Hmmn?

We can all do that… “Gi’s a job! Where's me scalpel?"

It's balderdash, piffle and poppycock… now they were funny!

*A catch-phrase from the American radio show, 'Fibber McGee and Molly', which aired for more than 1100 episodes from 1935 to 1959. Set in the fictional Midwestern city of Wistful Vista, the sitcom was a reflection of the American scene, and showcased some top-notch comic and musical talent. The show’s creators and stars were a married couple, Jim and Marian Jordan.

MAKING A
SONG AND
DANCE OF   
IT!

I have been including recommendations for music number in my pantomime scripts for quite some time, but now, no longer. Often the search was quite laborious, and there’s no guarantee that groups using my scripts will follow the recommendations anyway.

From an early age, I was spoon-fed jazz. My father was a great fan, and he had a considerable collection of 78 rpm records. As my teens started, so did the rock ‘n’ roll era, with 45 rpm discs. In October 1962, we heard… “Love, love me do… “Beatlemania"! As my late brother used to say… “We had the best… and now they’ve got the rest”.

What dire dross is being doled out today. How can they yell like that when nobody’s hitting them with a cricket bat?

So… I am writing new lyrics for what one could call ‘traditional’ songs, and also for popular tunes in the ‘public domain’, which means they must meet at least one of the following criteria:

·                    All rights have expired.

·                    The authors have explicitly put the work into the public domain.

·                    There never were copyrights.

In general terms, in the U.K., a song is in the public domain if the publication date is before 1925, if the song has no composer, or if it is a ‘folk’ song. Some music publishers have available pre 1925 songs which have been ‘arranged’ by someone since then, and therefore are copyright. It’s a bit of a minefield, so tread carefully.

If a piece of music does not fall within public domain and is under copyright, then it is unlawful to reproduce, perform, distribute, or create a new version of that music without a proper license under many countries jurisdictions.

Useful information is available on the following websites, where hundreds of songs are listed… enough to keep you going for quite some time!

www.pdinfo.com

rockytopconcert.weebly.co/public domain songs.html

Also, on – monologues.co.uk – you will find hundreds of song lyrics which have been put together, over a 12 year period, by a small group of and music hall enthusiasts. Most of the songs would have been popular between the years 1860 – 1920, and each one has the date of publication listed.

There is also a collection of 100 printable PDF music sheets.

One bee that gets in my bonnet is… if I do a Google search for a lyric, the stateside search engine asks… “Did you mean lyrics for… “No I didn’t, Yank!

I'M ON A ROLL!

Quite often, in the wee small hours I scan the television channels to try and find something ‘interesting’ to watch. 

Most early mornings that’s about as easy as underwater yodelling! What a bedazzlement of blandness, with the likes of ‘Gogglebox’, and even ‘Celebrity Gogglebox’, featuring prominently.

I have never watched this show, but then I have never watched wallpaper dry. However, we have a saying here in the county of broad acres… where there’s brainwaves, there’s brass. So, I got the old grey matter into gear, and I came up with an idea for a brand new television programme. 

‘Thunderbox’! It’s a terrific title, isn’t it?

Yes! It will feature members of the general public droning on, whilst doin’... the what comes naturally. That's… copious codswallow from the khazi!

Remember, you read it here first… that will help me if there is a dispute over copyright!

HAPPY GNU YEAR
to all our reader!
2020

And remember... you only go around once in life. Unless, of course, you're one of those people who likes to hang from their ceiling fan!