GIVE
PEAS
A CHANCE!

According to the BBC News this morning, someone… who I confess I wouldn’t know from Adam (or Eve for that matter)… has apparently signed an exclusive multi-year podcast deal with Spotify, believed to be worth $100m (£82 million).

Now… all  this is geek to me. First of all, I don’t know what Spotify is.  I can only assume that they are manufacturers of some sort of... pimple preparation. As far as a ‘podcast’ is concerned, I would hazard a guess that that involves fixing the elongated seed vessel of a leguminous plant to a hook on the end of a fishing line and… casting it into a canal, a creek or a culvert. What’s the catch? I can’t fathom out why anyone would pay so much moolah for messing about on a river. There must be some other angle, surely!

'T AIN'T

FUNNY

McGEE!"*

I came across the following on the blog of someone who describes himself as... "A creative person... comedy - music - writing... but mostly comedy." He is offering advice to aspiring comedians, regarding opening lines, and he gives as good(?) examples the contributions from a couple of what can only be called... cozeners!

The names are anagrams... they know who they are! 

1st Comic: Erma Gonskeet (very high energy rush to the stage)

“YO YO YO! WHAT’S UP PARTY PEOPLE?

If you think 911 was an inside job, lemme hear you make some noise…”
(as the crowd cheers, she catches her breath a bit and lowers her energy)
“and if you don’t, then I have a poorly made Netflix documentary I’d like to show you”

(raises energy again)

“Wake up and smell the loose change mother f**kers…”

After this opening whirlwind, she continues into a string of one-liners extolling how funny she’ll be as if selling her act to the audience…

“I hope you brought an extra colostomy bag, cause you guys are going to lose your s**t”

“I hope you don’t mind looking a little gay, cause you won’t be able to keep a straight face”

The second comic on the lineup is Conan Tishvane.

He starts off a little more subdued, but still with a good energy. He speaks directly to the crowd, acknowledging them with a “Give yourselves a round of applause” and then he makes a quick reference in the moment to the incredible shrinking mic stand…(somehow the mic stand got loosened and slid down when he moved it out-of-the-way) after getting these niceties our of the way, he hits his first joke:

“All the way from New York, I am a military veteran. I am a military veteran… (this will always get a smattering of applause, as it should… and as they clap he pulls out his dog tags…) “Yeah, these are real… yeah, I didn’t get them at Hot Topic or wherever the f**k people are getting these…. I saw a guy the other day wearing them and I said ‘Hey bro, I was in the military, what branch were you in?’… and he kinda mumbled something ‘Navy’… and I said, “Oh shit, you were in the Navy… and said ‘No.. Old Navy, I got it at Old Navy on Friday…’

Old Navy is an American clothing and accessories retailing company, where… “You can find all of your wardrobe "must-have's" at prices you can’t believe. Everything from your favorite T-shirts and jeans to your seasonal fashion faves. 

If this is comedy, I am King Caractacus! It is even less funny than ‘Fleabag’… and I didn’t think that was possible!

Unbelievably, there are people who will actually defend this dross… Here’s a quote from someone described as a… “writer, actor and stand-up comedian”.

"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny."

Does this mean that if your unfunny comedian goes into hospital for an operation, and he or she dies on the operating table, that’s successful? Hmmn?

We can all do that… “Gi’s a job! Where's me scalpel?"

It's balderdash, piffle and poppycock… now they were funny!

*A catch-phrase from the American radio show, 'Fibber McGee and Molly', which aired for more than 1100 episodes from 1935 to 1959. Set in the fictional Midwestern city of Wistful Vista, the sitcom was a reflection of the American scene, and showcased some top-notch comic and musical talent. The show’s creators and stars were a married couple, Jim and Marian Jordan.

MAKING A
SONG AND
DANCE OF   
IT!

I have been including recommendations for music number in my pantomime scripts for quite some time, but now, no longer. Often the search was quite laborious, and there’s no guarantee that groups using my scripts will follow the recommendations anyway.

From an early age, I was spoon-fed jazz. My father was a great fan, and he had a considerable collection of 78 rpm records. As my teens started, so did the rock ‘n’ roll era, with 45 rpm discs. In October 1962, we heard… “Love, love me do… “Beatlemania"! As my late brother used to say… “We had the best… and now they’ve got the rest”.

What dire dross is being doled out today. How can they yell like that when nobody’s hitting them with a cricket bat?

So… I am writing new lyrics for what one could call ‘traditional’ songs, and also for popular tunes in the ‘public domain’, which means they must meet at least one of the following criteria:

·                    All rights have expired.

·                    The authors have explicitly put the work into the public domain.

·                    There never were copyrights.

In general terms, in the U.K., a song is in the public domain if the publication date is before 1925, if the song has no composer, or if it is a ‘folk’ song. Some music publishers have available pre 1925 songs which have been ‘arranged’ by someone since then, and therefore are copyright. It’s a bit of a minefield, so tread carefully.

If a piece of music does not fall within public domain and is under copyright, then it is unlawful to reproduce, perform, distribute, or create a new version of that music without a proper license under many countries jurisdictions.

Useful information is available on the following websites, where hundreds of songs are listed… enough to keep you going for quite some time!

www.pdinfo.com

rockytopconcert.weebly.co/public domain songs.html

Also, on – monologues.co.uk – you will find hundreds of song lyrics which have been put together, over a 12 year period, by a small group of and music hall enthusiasts. Most of the songs would have been popular between the years 1860 – 1920, and each one has the date of publication listed.

There is also a collection of 100 printable PDF music sheets.

One bee that gets in my bonnet is… if I do a Google search for a lyric, the stateside search engine asks… “Did you mean lyrics for… “No I didn’t, Yank!

I'M ON A ROLL!

Quite often, in the wee small hours I scan the television channels to try and find something ‘interesting’ to watch. 

Most early mornings that’s about as easy as underwater yodelling! What a bedazzlement of blandness, with the likes of ‘Gogglebox’, and even ‘Celebrity Gogglebox’, featuring prominently.

I have never watched this show, but then I have never watched wallpaper dry. However, we have a saying here in the county of broad acres… where there’s brainwaves, there’s brass. So, I got the old grey matter into gear, and I came up with an idea for a brand new television programme. 

‘Thunderbox’! It’s a terrific title, isn’t it?

Yes! It will feature members of the general public droning on, whilst doin’... the what comes naturally. That's… copious codswallow from the khazi!

Remember, you read it here first… that will help me if there is a dispute over copyright!