HAPPY NEW YEAR

...to all our reader!

May the sands of time never get in your lunch.

15 is a triangular number: 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5

A penguin swims at a speed of approximately 15 miles per hour.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

Gosh! I’m a regular cycling Ophelia!

UN FUNNY?

(Do you gerrit?)

With the new year fast approaching, I know I should be optimistic, but it's decidedly difficult when you're aware of the way of the world.

Some time ago, whilst attending an outdoor professional sports event, where some chubby cheerleaders were struggling to strut their stuff to the accompaniment of a discordant din spewing from a sound system, I made the comment, “Modern music has hit a brick wall!” Nobody could hear what I was saying, of course! Later, whilst recounting the incident to my wife and explaining that the lasses were struggling to match their movements to the raucous racket that had neither tune nor time, I added… “Modern comedy as well!”

Reading some reviews of that ill-famed flick, ‘The Interview’, which has the unknown to me, James Franco, and the likewise, Seth Rogen, in the leading roles, I came across the following…

“But Mr. Franco mugs shamelessly to make sure we understand that he’s being funny, which he’s not, and the script as a whole turns a satirical—or at least farcical—premise into sour buffoonery. In the real world, a debate has been raging over what does and doesn’t constitute torture. In the movie world, there’s no debate; watching “The Interview” is torture from almost start to finish.

So how did such a turkey ever escape the studio lot? A significant part of the answer lies in the dumbing-down of the audience that began decades ago, when studios discovered that kids would turn out to see almost any piece of junk on any weekend provided the marketing departments did their jobs. Movies weren’t the only coarseners of pop culture, but they led the way, with the eager assent of the paying public. The dumbing-downers were so successful for so many years—and became so beholden to a small coterie of popular stars—that they dumbed themselves down to a level of trivialization where reality and reckless fantasy were no longer readily distinguishable. As Hollywood spectaculars go, “The Interview” was long in the making.”

Oh, that’s so true… unfortunately.

According to 'The Guardian' and many other news sources, the aforementioned James Franco was paid $6.5 million for his stint in the cinematic offering.

"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion." Fred Allen (1894-1956), American comedian.

HACKROBATICS

According to the BBC website 17.12.2014, two decades after its London premiere, the musical comedy, ‘City of Angels’, has returned to the stage at London's Donmar Warehouse.

The film noir-inspired musical was created by Cy Coleman, Larry Gelbart and lyricist David Zippel. Yes, that’s the same Larry Gelbart who, when receiving a Tony Award, grasped the opportunity to speak the writer's eternal lament: “Why does everyone else think they can do what I do, but only after I've done it?”‘

Director Josie Rourke told the BBC it took on modern issues about self-identity and integrity.

"In the universe of the Sony hack, we are left questioning how deeply we believe in what we do and how honest we are with ourselves," she said.

Hopefully, having read the postings on this blog, my regular reader will know that I do believe deeply in what I do, and I am very honest with myself. Of course, I can’t speak for other people, and I wouldn’t presume to, but I do offer advice in this direction to ego-trippers, and I repeat, at the risk of becoming boring (CUE SHOUTS OF “NAY, NAY, AND THRICE NAY!”) “However well you do a show you can always do it better!” I adopted that maxim a long time ago when I was active in the amateur theatre. I can’t remember reading it anywhere, neither anyone communicating it to me, it just seemed so obvious. It’s a truism, isn’t it?

With regards to the Sony hack (sounds like a Country and Western singer!), apparently, the vast trove of documents stolen included an “early version” of the script for the next James Bond film, ‘Spectre. Well, I refuse to send out copies of my scripts as e-mail attachments, explaining to enquirers that the part of Yorkshire where I was born, bred and still live, is serious Luddite country, and we do not trust modern technology, consequently, I have no desire to have my work floating around in cyberspace… if that is what it’s called. Still if hackers can get to Sony, the White House, the United States military and NASA computers, what chance has yours truly got of his scripts not being snaffled?

Personally, I would have difficulty hacking into a matchbox with a felling axe!

COMEDY KEYSTONES

In his 1980 tribute to the animation director “Tex” Avery, fellow director, “Chuck Jones” shared six lessons that he learned about comedy from working with Avery in the 1930s.

Amongst them were…

“You must love what you caricature. You must not mock it… unless it is ridiculously self-important… “

“If you are in that trade of helping others to laugh and to survive by laughter, then you are privileged indeed.”

“Remember always that character is all that matters in the making of great comedians, in animation, and in live-action.”

“Keep always in your mind, your heart and your hand that timing is the essence, the spine, and the electrical magic of humour.”

In a career spanning over 60 years, Charles Martin Jones (1912-2002) made more than 300 animated films, winning three Oscars as director, and in 1996 an honorary Oscar for Lifetime Achievement. He helped bring to life many of Warner Bros. most famous characters: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig. The list of characters he created himself includes Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, Marvin the Martian, and Pepe le Pew.

Animator, cartoonist, voice actor, and director, Frederick Bean Avery, (1908-1980), was a descendant of Daniel Boone and the infamous Judge Roy Bean. He did his most significant work for the Warner Bros. and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studios. Avery is widely considered the original cartoon gag-man, famous for wild takes, breaking the fourth wall and medium conventions, and stretching every joke to its comedic limit.

I have often said that we can learn from the learned… unless of course we think we know it all!

THE FOOD OF LOVE...

No, this is not about passion fruit or dates, it’s about music, which of course, has charms to soothe a savage breast, soften rocks, bend a knotted oak, and leap tall buildings in a single bound!

My regular reader will remember that towards the end of last year I reported the windup of Wikifonia, the lead sheet database, from which skillions of sheet music could be downloaded without login or subscription. So, there it was… gone like a long dog!

Since then, I have come across some ‘fake books’ that are available on the supersnicket,.and there is a chance that you might be able to find something to include in you show

Wikipedia defines a fake book as… “…a collection of musical lead sheets intended to help a performer quickly learn new songs. Each song in a fake book contains the melody line, basic chords, and lyrics* - the minimal information needed by a musician to make an impromptu arrangement of a song, or "fake it."

The sites are…

archive.org/details/fakebooks

archive.org/details/fakebook_the-firehouse-jazz-band-fake-book

meetup.com/NYCUkuleleJam/messages/boards/thread/5186315

valdez.dumarsengraving.com/557JazzStandards.PDF

jososoft.dk/yamaha/sheets.htm

realbooksite.com

Happy searching!

Only today, I happened upon the following site, which is in French, mes amis...

partitionsdechansons.com/

If you don’t parlez français, a quick translation will inform you that… “This website hosts only free songs free songs or filed with the consent of the author (?). Apart from these partitions, this site is a huge directory of free sheet music. It scans, it looks, it selects and offers all the best of the web PDF documents as links.”

Websites listed are offered not as recommendations, but purely for information. I have no connection with any of them, and I advise that anyone looking to download sheet music reads the conditions that pertain, before they press the return key.

*I still use the correct term, i.e. ‘lyric’, which The Free Dictionary defines as “The words of a song.”, but adds, “Often used in the plural.” Now, that’s dumb, because the word ‘words’ is already plural!

A RIGHT PASTING!

Today I discovered a NODA review of a production of one of my scripts, which refers to a “schoolroom scene”. This is news to me, since I didn’t write it. It didn’t get there by accident. Person or persons unknown must have made it up, and sneaked it into the script.

As I have mentioned before, on the reverse of the title page of all my scripts are ‘IMPORTANT NOTES’ with the instruction, ‘PLEASE READ CAREFULLY’. Note number ‘5’ clearly states…

“No alteration to the title or script should be made without the author’s consent. All approved alterations of or suggestions for the script become the authors’ property.”

I received no communication from anyone requesting consent for the inclusion of a schoolroom scene. It would appear that not one person in the company, or on the committee, had the gumption to say, “Hang on a minute… we’ll have to check that out with G.Wizz Promotions”. It’s naughty, and it’s haughty!

Would these amateur societies change Chekov, alter Alan Ayckbourn, or revise Rodgers and Hammerstein? I think not!

I’m as cross as two sticks, but I have a solution, dear reader.

In my blog, ‘WRITES AND WRONGS’ 29.11.2011, I suggested that one way of dealing with these toplofty transgressors would be to “go round and re-arrange their furniture.”

However, I have decided that’s too good for ‘em. So… I am going to get together a group of gagsters, and when the smart alec/alice is somewhere else, we’ll descend on their domicile and redo the décor. Using gallons of gunge, we’ll paper the place in the style of a slosh scene from panto… with no splash spared!

Thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges! 

HIT OR MISS?

Here’s a by-the-way…

I am quite keen on baseball, and currently the 2014 World Series is under way, featuring Kansas City Royals and San Francisco Giants. The first team to win four games of seven clinches the title.

Prior to the start of Game 5 of 2014 World Series on Sunday 26 October, some tattooed troglodyte sang "The Star-Spangled Banner", which is of course, the national anthem of the United States. Don’t ask me why they choose these chumps, but surprise, surprise…the gawk got the words wrong.

This crooner was completely unknown to me, but apparently he is a member of what is described as… an “alternative metal band”. What’s alternative to metal? Plastic? Balsa wood? Blancmange?

When Billy Connolly was asked, “Which words or phrases do you most overuse?” he replied, “Times may change but standards must remain. I use it at least once a day. I found it on an After Eight commercial and I use it when someone’s speaking too loud or throwing their weight about.”

Bully for you, Billy!

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS*

In his book, ‘Tommy Cooper All-In-One Joke Book’ (Preface, 2013) John Fisher claims that Sigmund Freud “…famously states that jokes needed to convey their message not just in a few words, but in too few words.” Mr. Fisher’s has the advantage of me there, because I haven’t read ‘Der Witz und seine Beziehung zum Unbewußten’, (‘The Joke and Its Relation to the Unconscious’), but Ken Dodd may have, because apparently he once said, something along the lines of… “The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”

That’s true, Doddy, but then long before “Golden Siggie” appeared on the scene, Bill Shakespeare informs us through the character of Polonius in ‘Hamlet’, that “…brevity is the soul of wit…”

My regular reader should by now, be fully aware of my admiration for the Austrian-born American filmmaker, screenwriter, producer, artist and journalist, Billy Wilder, director and co-author (with I.A.L. Diamond) of the screenplay for my favourite flick, ‘Some Like It Hot’, made in 1959. Forty-one years later, the American Film Institute listed it as the greatest American comedy film of all time. I suspect that there has been nothing since that came close to bettering it.

Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon play two Chicago musicians, Joe and Jerry, who just happen to witness the St. Valentine's Day massacre. To get out of town and escape from the gangster responsible, they disguise themselves as women, and join an all-female band that’s bound for Florida. They certainly enjoy being around the girls, especially Sugar Kane Kowalczyk (Marilyn Monroe), who sings and plays the ukulele. Joe in particular sets out to woo her while Jerry/Daphne is wooed by the millionaire, Osgood Fielding III (Joe E. Brown).

I remember, quite a few overcoats ago, watching a BBC2 documentary about ‘The Viennese Pixie’, where he dissected the scene where Jerry, disguised as Daphne, has been nightclubbing with Osgood, so that Joe can ‘borrow’ Osgood’s yacht for an evening alone with Sugar. It starts…

INT. ROOM 413 - DAWN

Jerry, still in his evening gown, is stretched out on his bed, gaily singing LA CUMPARSITA and accompanying himself with a pair of maracas. Joe appears over the railing of the balcony, steps through the window into the room.

Wilder gave a riveting explanation of how he and his co-writer pared the dialogue down to the very minimum, but then the whole script is as tight as Dick’s hatband, and the resulting movie has been described as … “…a film of inspiration and meticulous craft."

I’m not in Mr Wilder’s league… but then, who is? However, in my own little way, I do try to craft my scripts and I am a serial ‘tweaker’. Yes, I like alliteration, and occasionally may overdo it, but I reckon that it can help establish a character, and give some rhythm to the dialogue. In the right place, verbosity can be funny

Of course, as I mentioned in my blog, ‘NO LAUGHING MATTER’, (12 March 2013), an actor needs to understand a joke before he or she can deliver it properly. Then there's the business of sticking to the script...

I once guested as the director of an amateur production of Noel Coward’s ‘Hay Fever’. The leading roles of Judith and David Bliss were being played by ageing Thespians with bulky scrapbooks. Well into rehearsals, when it was time for “scripts down”, I realised that they had both learnt only an approximation of the lines, and there was no way they were going to ‘unlearn them’. What with “The Master’s” dialogue being particularly precise and mannered, from then on, it was basically damage limitation.

In my varied acting career, both as an amateur and a professional, I have always tried to be word perfect. I reckon I owe it to the writer.

Have a look at the following (edited) tips about acting comedy which I came across by chance on www.backstage.com. By gummy, it’s always pleasing to find current opinions which match those one has held since Moby Dick was a tiddler! Please pay particular attention to note number 4!

The Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Successful Comedy Actor

1. Find your funny. In what way are you funny? What's funny about you? Being aware of what makes up your personal "funny" - finding the comedy in yourself and your everyday life - is the first step to becoming a successful comedy actor. 

2. Identify your comedy character. Knowing your comedic qualities will help you identify your comedy character.

3. Explore your comedy. To be a successful comedy actor, you have to study the art form…

4. Stick to the script. Comedy is all about rhythm, timing, and pace, and it's your job as a comedic actor to identify those things in each and every piece of scripted comedy you perform. Comedy, when done right, is like a good song. Just as a musician plays the melody as composed, a comedic actor must stick to the script. That means following the words exactly as written. Don't add or drop words or attach handles to the beginnings of sentences, like "Look," "I mean," "Well," and "So." And don't change the punctuation! Always remember that a period is not just the end of a sentence; it's the end of a thought. Blowing past it or changing it to a question mark will not only change the intention of the line but also the "music" in the dialogue.

5. Learn to break down comedy scripts. Comedy is made up of two things: desperation and the unpredictable. These themes are found in story lines, jokes, and characters. 

6. Perfect your funny. As you develop your character and learn your comedic technique, you'll also start to examine more-subtle but important tools for your comedy, especially in the script itself.

7. Stay committed. You and your character need to believe in everything you're doing and commit to it wholeheartedly.

8. Be still. One of the biggest things that can kill a comedic scene is unscripted movement…

9. Watch the comedy masters. There are so many legends old and new in this business, and watching them work is vital to building your comedy career.

10. Have fun.  When performing comedy, you have to enjoy what you're doing. You need to do your homework, find your character, perfect your technique, commit to the text, then… have fun.

Of course you could just ignore all this advice and do your own thing, as many ego-trippers do. That way you end up being unfunny.... or even anti-funny!

* Also a quote from 'Hamlet'.

VARIATIONS

ON A

THEME

Recently, I considered including in a pantomime script, my own version of the comedy routine from the film ‘The Court Jester’ (1956), where Danny Kaye, an ex- carnival performer, Hubert Hawkins, posing as Sir Giacomo of Italy, is about to fight Sir Griswold of Mackalwane (Robert Middleton), in mortal combat, until one of them lies dead. Jean (Glynis Johns) and Griselda (Mildred Natwick) plot his escape. It begins…

Griselda: Listen. I have put a pellet of poison in one of the vessels.

Hawkins: Which one?

Griselda: The one with the figure of a pestle.

Hawkins: The vessel with the pestle?

Griselda: Yes. But you don't want the vessel with the pestle, you want the chalice from the palace!

See it on - youtu.be/N4ni2FxH7v8

Then, I thought… “Nix!” Even though the words would be changed, the concept would be the same, and there might be suggestions of swiping. However, whilst I was searching t’Internet for the actual dialogue, I came across reference to an earlier version of the routine, featured in the 1938 film, "Never Say Die," starring Bob Hope. ‘Old Ski Nose’ plays the role of multi-millionaire hypochondriac John Kidley who, whilst spending time at a health spa in Switzerland, meets Mickey Hawkins (Martha Raye), a Texas heiress, whose father has promised her hand to the fortune hunting Prince Smirnow (Alan Mowbray).

It’s pistols at dawn, as Hope is unwillingly drawn into a duel with the Prince. Mickey tries to even the odds, and the routine starts with the man who loads the weapons (Victor Kilian), telling her…

“All you gotta do is tell him this… there's a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet, and a nick on the handle of the pistol with a blank."

See it on - youtu.be/FhOEh6lUhLg

Amazingly, the name ‘Hawkins’ is used in both routines!

Lo and behold, a little while after, I discovered that in the 1933 film, ‘Roman Scandals’, one of my favourite comedians, Eddie Cantor, included a brief version of the routine. I had watched this some years ago, but it didn’t register at the time. The plot involves Eddie being “transported” back to ancient Rome, where he becomes involved in a plot against the Emperor Valerius (Edward Arnold), orchestrated by his scheming wife Agrippa (Verree Teasdale}, who is continually trying to poison him. Eddie is made Valerius' new food taster when the old one succumbs to another of Agrippa's plots, and ‘Banjo Eyes’ has to deliver a dish supposedly comprising of two roast nightingales to the Emperor. The Empress advises him…

“You will take the one without the parsley, for the one without the parsley is the one with the poison.”

See it on - youtu.be/2-9Ly8rn_8U

Very recently, another example came forth… or should it be fourth? In the 1948 film, "A Southern Yankee”, set during the American Civil War, Red Skelton plays a bumbling bellboy, by the name of Aubrey Filmore, who accidentally waylays an infamous Confederate spy known as "The Grey Spider" and is mistaken for him by the Rebels. The routine involves battle plans, and begins…

“The paper's in the pocket of the boot with the buckle. The map's in the packet in the pocket of the jacket. Understand?”

I couldn’t find it on You Tube, so you’ll have to take my word for it, although it is included amongst quotes from the film on IMDb. 

Rumour has it that the routine originated in Burlesque, and Eddie Cantor started his career in that branch of showbiz in 1908 at the Age of 16.

There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of coloured glass that have been in use through all the ages.- Mark Twain, a Biography 

Incidentally, according to television lore, the original laughs for the TV laugh-track technology (‘canned laughter’), invented by Charles Rolland Douglass in the early 1950s, were stripped from an episode of "The Red Skelton Show," which was chosen because Skelton was performing in pantomime (that’s ‘mime’, not ‘panto’), providing a dialogue-free recording. Over the years, Douglass added more sounds. (ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE VOICE) "Not a lot of people know that!"

CLASS ACT #13

Here’s Helen Reddy, singing in the sunshine in the Muppet Show, Series 3, Episode 313, May 1978, when she was 36 years of age. She’ll be 73 in October. Ouch!

How about that corking camel? It would look good in your production of ‘Ali Baba’, ‘Sinbad the Sailor’, or even 'Humpty Dumpty'... hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

Notice that the body of the camel has got two holes in it, both top and bottom. The dancers wear big feet, trimmed with faux fur fabric with long pile hair. Their leggings and ‘hats’ are similarly trimmed, and the camel body just drops over the two of them. It won’t be easy to make, but It’s a stunner… and Helen Reddy is a ‘beaut’ as well!

No tricky dance steps, but very clever, and brilliantly done. A great musical number for a pantomime, camel or no!

CHARACTER

STUDIES

Recently I had a request from someone who was planning to audition for a part in one of my pantomimes. She was actually interested in two specific female characters, and asked if I could supply “character descriptions”, adding, “There does not seem to be any indication of how to present or sound like the characters. She wanted an idea of “...outstanding features… mannerisms..." and to know, "...if either might have… an accent.”

Are these hypertheatrical questions?

It’s true that I don’t describe the characters in any great detail. Shakespeare offers even less.

On the Internet Movie Database, one of their members lists the “Best Hamlet Performance in movies and on stage.” They are, in order… Laurence Olivier, Ethan Hawke, Kenneth Branagh, John Gielgud, Jonathan Pryce, Mark Rylance, Simon Russell Beale, David Warner, Innokenti Smoktunovsky, and Jude Law. I have seen some of these film performance, and there is no question, they differ considerably… even though they are all using the same words.

I suggest an age range for each of the roles I write, but I qualify this with the general… “The ages are preferred, but not fixed.” 

Perhaps I could be more descriptive, but some people might take the suggestions too literally, when there is obviously scope for variations. It can often depend on the actor’s age, physique, physicality, experience, and talent, since there is more than one way to flay a feline.

Back in the 1990s, I played Judge Brack in a professional production of ‘Hedda Gabler’.The sister of an Oscar-winning actor played the title role…no, I’m not dropping the name... and she had an exercise book full of notes about Hedda’s character, her strengths, her weaknesses, her foibles etc. Horses for courses, but that’s not my style. I have always believed that the character is in the script. If it ain’t there, it’s nowhere. There is a story that J.M. Barrie once told an anxious actor who was seeking help in interpreting his part… “I should like you to convey when you are acting it that the man you portray has a brother in Shropshire who drinks port.” Well, bust my buttons!

Often, there is a speech which is the key to a character. Many moons ago, as the crow flies, I played the part of Leonard in an amateur production of ‘Time and Time Again’, by Alan Ayckbourn. Half way through the four week rehearsal period I was really struggling to find the character, I considered playing him with a limp, a hunchback, a strong regional accent… or maybe all three. Then one rehearsal... eureka! As I remember it, there is a speech where the character looks out over some municipal playing fields and contemplates the changing seasons… putting up the goal posts during autumn, taking them down in spring, and mowing the cricket pitches... and so on and so on, ad infinitum. It’s quite philosophical, and I realised that this was very close to my own outlook, which meant that I didn’t really need to act at all… just play myself. The reviews were glowing. One stated, “The cast of five were superb. It was one of the smoothest first night performances I have seen.” So it must have worked.

Accents are something I use sparingly, because I reckon must scripts should be able to be played anywhere in the English-speaking world, without too much difficulty. I am a Yorkshireman born and bred, consequently, the rhythms of speech and some of the phrases probably shout that fact from the rooftops. Often when I am printing off scripts for groups north of the border, I find myself reading the lines with a Scottish accent. I must say, Dames’ dialogue seems to work well with a Caledonian cadence.

Here are some quotes about performing comedy, by and about people who are far more experienced than me…

“Perhaps my definition of comedy is at odds with current trends, but I just believe that to gain the sympathy of the audience for your character, you have to maintain a sense of reality, no matter how fantastical the situation becomes.” Kenneth Williams quoted in - ‘Carry On Laughing’ Adrian Rigelsford: Virgin Books 1996

Frothy as her image may be, Barbara Windsor is much admired by her fellow professionals for the truthfulness with which she plays her pantomime characters. ‘Plays And Players’ December 1977

In the evolution of a (pantomime dame) performance… (Stanley Baxter) doesn’t think about where he’ll get laughs until a very late stage. The early work is concentrated on those dramatic high points that he regards as keys to his character’s development.‘ Plays And Players’ December 1977

…in my impersonations, for example, I seriously study the person I wish to imitate and rehearse the impersonation many times in the serious vein, before I even attempt to give it a humorous twist. Then I try to insert the humour while still in the character of the person I am portraying. Thus, the basis of actuality is given to the impersonation." Comedian Willie Howard, regarded as one of the giants of American Vaudeville.

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns

CHORUS LINES

In his hilarious and indispensable book, ‘The Art of Coarse Acting’, in Chapter 4, ‘A Coarse Actor Performs’, Michael Green offers some advice to help the coarse actor get noticed when he or she enters in a crowd, and even steal a scene when they haven’t any words to say. I remember seeing him present his talk on coarse acting, and with the help of some shawls, stout sticks and staffs, he quickly created a coarse crowd from volunteer members of the audience. Very funny… in the right context.

More and more, since I started writing pantomimes, I have tried to ensure that the chorus, as I generally call them, have some worthwhile lines, and significant involvement in the action. In my scripts I list ‘CHORUS #1,#2,#3, & #4’ against the lines, but state in the Production Notes, “Whilst the lines in the script are allocated to just 4 chorus members, they can be shared out as you wish, to more or less… depending on your preference, and the talents of your company.”

During my recent efforts to inform amateur drama and musical theatre groups about my latest script… ‘Sleeping Beauty’… I have visited quite a few of their websites, and seen a good number of photographs from their pantomime productions old and new. What is often very noticeable is the chorus, standing around like the stolid spectators on the ‘Antiques Roadshow’. Even worse is where they are talking to each other at the back of the stage, whilst the principals are acting their knickers off at the front.

I am not apportioning all the blame to those valuable people, the members of the chorus. Maybe they have never been told what to do, or perhaps there has been an instruction to “Just act naturally”. Well… acting ain’t natural, and a director should know it, and guide the chorus where necessary. Of course, the script may not help, and that is why I am trying my best to provide worthwhile involvement for the ‘extras’.

I remember seeing a video of a pantomime produced somewhere in Scotland, where the stage was absolutely jam-packed with extras, in a scene reminiscent of the opening day of a New Year sale at an Oxford Street store. There were even youngsters sat on steps at each side of the stage, from where they couldn’t possibly involve themselves in the action. The answer to this must surely be that the number on stage has to be limited, but offset the reduced number of appearances with worthwhile participation. Again, the script can help.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Breaking… or even ‘waking’ news!

Now there are nineteen… scripts that is… in the G. Wizz Promotions catalogue. The latest addition is a version of the Charles Perrault classic, ‘Sleeping Beauty’. And once again… (CUE FANFARE), we have beaten Hollywood to the punch. Their twist on the tale, ‘Malificent’, doesn’t hit the screens until the 30^th of May. Someone ought to give them a wake-up call! Hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

Everyone should follow their dream… unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 

THE IDIOTS’ LANTERN

The other day, I came across this quote from American comedy writer, Robert Orben… “What bothers me about television is that it takes our minds off our minds.” It was written well before 12 million people recently tuned in to watch the launch of the 13^th series of ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”.

Which brings me to the question that has been puzzling me of for some time… why do amateur drama/operatic groups do their best to get people out of their homes to experience live entertainment, and then pack their pantomimes with references to the banality that’s on the goggle box? Seems a bit lit running a Chinese restaurant and serving up bangers and mash!

I very rarely read scripts by other writers, and generally when I do, I often struggle to get past the first couple of pages, but even such a swift squint can reveal repeated references to the television soaps, sitcoms, and the so-called reality shows, plus copious contrived catchphrases.

Only three months or so ago, actor Ray Winstone hit out at the number of cookery and reality television programmes being shown on television, claiming they are being commissioned at the expense of new dramas. Well, Raymond, I would add antique shows, property-buying binges, and the many medical melodramas, both fictional and factual.

It is my belief that today television is in the main, what you can get away with, and often, it is a case of … to paraphrase Monty Python… “And now for something completely the same.”

In the year 2009 I slogged through a sorry saga involving an amateur theatre group who had decided to present my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’. I received e-mail messages stating, “We very much liked the script and are looking forward to our next successful production.”, and “We look forward to performing your version of Snow White. It will be a refreshing change from our usual style of pantomime.” Ten weeks later, they informed me about “…amendments we have made to the script.” They wanted to change the title to ‘Snow White and the Eleven Hoodies’. The whole of the second half had been practically rewritten, by someone snitching stuff straight from ‘Little Britain’, and ‘The Catherine Tate Show’… if you’ll pardon the expressions. Phone calls, and e-mail messages flew back and forth, but the end result was that I told them not Pygmalion likely, and I pulled the plug.

They informed me that one of the reasons why they changed it was that having dwarfs in the show offended some of their members who were social workers. I informed them that the term ‘social workers’ offended me, but I grin and bear it.

I make no claims for my scripts whatsoever. They are what they are. Amazingly, my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ is about a girl called Snow White who comes into contact with seven dwarfs, and I’m sure it didn’t metamorphose into something else during the ten weeks it was in the group’s possession.

I pointed out to them that a dwarf is a creature from Germanic mythology, and not particularly common in the British Isles, although there are many small fairies that might be called dwarfs, they generally have names of their own. The Cornish mine spirits are called Knockers, Blue-caps and Dunters. The Duergars are a race of ugly dwarfs from Northumberland, and the Redcaps are murderous dwarfs who dwell in the border country between England and Scotland. (ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE ACCENT) Not a lot of people know that!

I also puzzle over why amateur groups are presenting television comedy shows on stage, and trying their best to look and act like the thesps who played the parts on the small screen. We have actors pretending to be Gorden Kaye, pretending to be René François Artois, in ‘Allo ‘Allo’, or pretending to be John Cleese pretending to be Basil Fawlty in ‘Fawlty Towers’, or pretending to be Su Pollard pretending to be Peggy Ollerenshaw in ‘Hi-de-Hi’… etc. I find this really quite bizarre. Should everyone playing Richard III do an Olivier? Should all the Stanley Kowalskis be Brando? Should all the Lady Bracknells ditto Dame Edith Evans? “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” Herman Melville

Many moons ago, when I did a spell as a lecturer, I was asked to take a group of students to see a professional production of the musical ‘Sugar’, which is based on my favourite film… ‘Some Like It Hot’. Now, the girl playing the female lead… Sugar Kane… has got a real problem. Either she tries to play it like Marilyn Monroe, as per the film, in which case, despite the best blonde wig available, she will fall well short, or she decides to do it her own way, and the punters who have seen the film will say, “She wasn’t a patch on Marilyn Monroe, was she?” It would be best to avoid that role entirely, but then parts can sometimes be few and far between for working actors, and there are bills to pay, so I suppose you just give it your best shot, and move on

For those who do believe that imitation is the best form of flattery, The Los Angeles-based ‘Sock Puppet Sitcom Theater’ is presenting some classic TV sitcoms performed solely (ha-ha!) by socks, with the addition of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. Their repertoire includes, ‘I Love Lucy’, ‘Hogan's Heroes’, ‘Three's Company’, ‘Cheers’, ‘The Golden Girls’, ‘Roseanne’, ‘Absolutely Fabulous’, and ‘Friends’.

Recently, they refashioned ‘Cinderella’ into a sock puppet sitcom-style extravaganza, complete with laugh tracks, foley artist, and commercial breaks. Now that, I would go and see! I reckon it’s rather appropriate that a sock Cinders would have a slipper. Should be one way of keeping audience members of all ages in stitches… hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

to all our reader!

At this time of the year, here is an appropriate quote from Marilyn Monroe…

“I've been on a calendar, but never on time.”

The nonpareil Norma Jeane stars in my favourite film, ‘Some Like It Hot’, as Sugar Kane… “I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.”

Here’s the trailer...