STAND

AND

DELIVER

Whilst slurping the web, I came across some topping tips from a book with the title, "The Everything Big Book of Jokes. Hundreds of the shortest, longest, silliest, smartest, most hilarious jokes you've ever heard!"*, by Evan C. Thomas.

I reckon this volume offers sound advice for performers who are on an ego trip with very little luggage! But, will they take heed?

The book informs us that...

"When a joke fails, most likely it is the fault of the joke-teller. One of the biggest issues people have is the tendency to keep the spotlight shining on themselves for as long as possible. Because all eyes are on the person delivering the joke, the joke-teller tends to elaborate on the joke's premise to prolong the attention.

This craving for the spotlight leads to additional material that's irrelevant to the joke. Therefore, the joke fails.

It's never ever the joke's fault. Every joke is funny. Human error is always to blame for a joke falling flat. Joke-telling doesn't come naturally to everyone, and even those blessed with an incredible sense of humour constantly work on joke-telling abilities."

Sound advice!

*The book is available for free perusal on the Internet Archive: Digital Library at archive.org 

DEJA
HUE

Following on from the raven royal below, in the words of Jimmy Cricket… “And there’s more!”

Just the other day the BBC website featured a story about the Mawa Theatre Company which claims to be “…the UK’s first all Black, all female Shakespeare Company representing Women of the African diaspora. Mawa will address how Black and Black Mixed Race Women are represented in classical text and explore how Shakespeare translates to Black audiences, producing content that focuses on themes within his works that correlate with the Black community.”

They claim the company will “…be a beacon of Black female creativity and an agent for change.” Fair enough!

The BBC news story featured part of the balcony scene from ‘Romeo and Juliet’, with a black, female Juliet, and a black, female Romeo. Shomething wrong there surely… or does the ‘Black community’ believe that women are women... and men are as well? Could be… because in researching the male protagonist of William Shakespeare's tragedy, l did a Google search for "Romeo". Lo… and also behold… top of the list was a gay dating website… that’s gay as in ‘homosexual’ as opposed to the hijacked word meaning ‘light-hearted and carefree’. So… half-way there I suppose!

The Artistic Director of the Mawa company states… “I do think there’s a correlation between how black people are treated in this country, and how they’re represented on stage. So how does having black actors play white characters solve that? Would the lady on the left pass for King Shaka Zulu? Answers on a postcard please!

If an audience… black, white, tangerine or turquoise can’t relate to Franco Zeffirelli’s 1968 film version of ‘Romeo and Juliet’, then they must be clueless, cold-hearted or comatose. Set in Verona during the Renaissance, the costumes, the setting, the colour, the music, prove that Shakespeare is indeed… a man for all seasons! 53 years on, it is still fresh.

The DVD is available via a national outlet for a mere £2.00. Watch it and weep!

Zeffirelli revamped the play without betraying it, and made it accessible to 1960s audiences, without updating it… ay, there's the rub! Andrew Lloyds Banks’ recent version of ‘Cinderella’ has a ‘Goth refusenik’ heroine etc., etc., etc. The ‘Godmother’ (notice no ‘Fairy…’) is, according to one reviewer, “a grotesque plastic surgeon”! Well… since the folk tale dates back to around 7BC, there is no copyright, so you can do with it what you want… and be as toploftical (good word) as you like! One critic declares that he couldn’t see the point of it all... or who exactly it was meant for(!)

In my book, Morgan Freeman should have been awarded an Oscar for his performance in the 1989 film, ‘Driving Miss Daisy’, but I can’t imagine him in the role of Scarlett O’Hara or Cruella de Vil!

You have had your 15 minutes of fame, Mawa… time to open your parachutes before the ground arrives!

 

 

A FLASH

IN THE

TAN!

or… now for something completely the same... or maybe even worse! Yes... it’s a follow-up to Ming the Merciless story (see 3 January, below).

The release date for Channel 5’s upcoming historical thriller ‘Anne Boleyn’, has been announced.

The 3-part “historical psychological thriller”, will debut on Channel 5 at 9pm on Tuesday, June 1. It stars the British-born black actress, Jodie Turner Smith, as the second wife of Henry VIII, who was Queen of England from 1533 to 1536, and a black actor plays the role of her brother George. Shomething wrong here... surely!

Portraits of Anne, her parents, sister and brother, all depict people of the white or west Eurasian race, so it is hardly surprising that this politically correct casting has caused quite a few raised eyebrows… and... dropped jaws. 

“I did know [that this role] would be something that people felt very passionately about.", claimed the title role player

Well Jodie, I reckon that it is history that we feel passionate about. We have quite a lot of it… and… we like it to be correctly recounted and re-enacted… warts and all!

Wikipedia has a piece on historical negationism (also called denialism), which it describes as “falsification or distortion of the historical record.”

It goes on… “Some countries, such as Germany, have criminalized (sic) the negationist revision of certain historical events…others mandate negationist views, such as Japan, where schoolchildren are explicitly prevented from learning about Japanese war crimes.

Notable examples of negationism include Holocaust denial, Armenian Genocide denial, the Lost Cause of the Confederacy, the Myth of the clean Wehrmacht, and the denial of Soviet crimes. 

Interestingly, also according to Wikipedia, the ‘Lost Cause of the Confederacy’… or simply the ‘Lost Cause’… is an American pseudo-historical, negationist ideology that advocates the belief that the cause of the Confederate States during the American Civil War was heroic, just, and not centred on slavery. This ideology has furthered the belief that slavery was moral, because the enslaved were happy, even grateful, and it also brought economic prosperity.

Are you sitting comfortably, Jodie?

I found the information about the ‘Anne Boleyn; series on the ‘Metro’ website, where they have the by-line… “NEWS BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT” … rather appropriate don’tcha thirnk!

So… what’s next, Channel 5… a white Martin Luther King… a white George Floyd?

Nah! I have fathomed out a follow-up for you. It’s a gold-plated, copper-bottomed, sure-fire certainty, which I am sure you’ll be tickled pink about! Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Hows about… the rise and demise of Princess Diana, with a drag artist playing the leading role? Yes? I reckon one of Ru Paul’s pals would be up for it… if you know what I mean!

Of course, I would expect royalties… say… a grand for the Guinol!

              

DONE TO A TURN 

Whilst checking through my script for Cinderella (see below), I searched YouTube for any neat suggestions for Cinderella's coach, which can be a problem getting on and off small stages.

I came across a very sturdy one in a production presented in the U.S.A., which I discovered had been made by someone in the woodworking trade.

Strangely, whilst it was very well built, it was painted all in white with no decoration or trimming whatsoever. Unfortunately its somewhat drab appearance was consistant with the performances of the 'actors'. Yes, they were quite young... 'only amateurs'... but at least one of the adults involved with the production should surely have had some knowledge of stagecraft, before they encouraged them to tread the boards.

 

The coach was drawn on from the wings by four young ladies dressed in ballet costumes, and wearing headdresses. I’m not sure if they were supposed to be horses, because when they parked the conveyance centre stage, they did move their legs with a kind of static jogging action, not really co-ordinated, but they were chatting to each other. They had that look of doing what they were doing under sufferance, and wishing they were anywhere else but in front of an audience. No enthusiasm… no smiles… no pizzazz! 

A flunkey followed the coach. This was a lad in his early teens, dressed in a drab, brown footman’s costume with knee britches, white stockings, and white gloves… which appeared to be a mite too small for him. He had a regulation haircut, was sans wig, or hat, but he was sporting thick-rimmed spectacles, which I presume he wore off stage. He stood as still as a bowl of porridge, with one arm behind his back, and the other across his waist. There was no reaction at all, even when the Fairy Godmother waved her wand and pulled off Cinderella’s not very drab dress, to reveal a not very splendid ball gown, thereby causing a flutter of strategically placed silver foil. Perhaps he’d seen it before at rehearsal!

If you think I am being unkind to these young people, you’ve got the wrong end of the sticky thing. Presumably there were adults involved in this production… in fact the aforementioned Fairy had probably seen some twenty or so summers, but it appeared that even she wasn’t too sure about stagecraft. Standing stage left, she made a move to cross to stage right… when she arrived there, she did a clockwork turn to indicate the entrance of the coach (from stage right). The turn should have been anti-clockwise, thereby keeping her face towards the audience practically the whole time. It’s a simple thing… but it’s basic stagecraft.

Surely someone amongst the involved adults should know the rules and demonstrate them to young folks. If they were coaching football they would tell their charges that only the goalkeepers can handle the ball in open play…and in tennis, you can’t let the ball bounce twice before you hit it back over the net… wouldn’t they?

I did a search on the INTERNET ARCHIVE (archive.org) and found more than a dozen books on stagecraft, including, “BREAK A LEG The Kid’s Book of Acting and Stagecraft”, by James McGrew. You can sign up for free on the INTERNET ARCHIVE and ‘borrow’ these books i.e. read them via your computer. The service cost zippo, zero, zilch! So… there’s no excuse, is there?

For those of you who think that I am being unkind to amateur actors, and directors, suffice it to say that I acted with six amateur groups, and directed for four, before I trod the boards as a professional. I also read books about acting, although I must admit I didn’t manage to get to the end of ‘An Actor Prepares’ before dozing off!            

BACK IN 

THE OLD 

ROUTINE

Last weekend, I received a request for a pantomime script... 'Cinderella' it was... the first one in some time, because of lockdown restrictions, of course. 

It's good to know that at least one group is being optimistic in hoping that they can get back on the boards later this year, or maybe early next year. 

So... "Beginners please... cue overture!"

Let's hope it happens... and you panto people can provide a peppy pick-me-up for the punters!

 

                                 MINGS AIN'T

WHAT THEY

USED TO BE! 

Here we go again… another storm in a teaspoon! Yes, dear reader, the PC brigade is on the march once more… which must surely offend all the other months of the year! 

The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has added a warning about "discriminatory stereotypes" for the recent re-release of the 1980 film, “Flash Gordon”, based on an American daily comic strip which ran from 1934 until 1992, with the Sunday strip continuing until 2003. 

Pourquoi? Well… the thought police have decided that “…due to his hair and make-up, the villain of the piece, Ming the Merciless, a ruthless tyrant who rules the planet Mongo, was of East Asian appearance and was played by Sweden's Max Von Sydow. They reckon that this is something that viewers may find dubious if not outright offensive.” I kid you not… (Whoops! That’s going to upset a few young goats!)

Personally, I think that Ming looks like… Ming might look… but since no-one has ever been to the planet Mongo… mainly because it doesn’t exist… how the aitch do we know what he looks like?

Is the objection because he’s the baddy, and that’s tarring East Asians with the same brush? Now there’s an expression that won’t find favour in some politically select circles… or should that be ‘squares’?

East Asia comprises China, Hong Kong, Japan, Macau, Mongolia, North Korea, South Korea, and Taiwan. Also, there’s Tibet in there, which includes ethnic groups such as Moupa, Tamang, Qiang, Sherpa and Lhoba. We are talking a combined population of some 1.6 billion. I would have thought that linking them all together may not please quite a few of them… or do they all look alike to the BBFC?

Quite frankly, I reckon that Max Von Sydow, pictured left in the risky role, looks more like a fiendish villain with exaggerated makeup, than someone from East Asia… nobody has eyebrows like that, do they? It’s play acting for crickey’s sake!

The actor pictured right is Charles Middleton born in Kentucky, U.S.A. He played Ming in the original 13 episode Flash Gordon serial in 1936… note the similarities to von Sydow, whom he predated by 44 years.

Pictured left is the Swiss born Emil Jannings, as he appeared in the role of Mephistopheles… a familiar spirit of the Devil… in the 1926 German film, ‘Faust – Eine deutsche Volkssage’. Now that’s a serious baddy! Notice the headgear, and the eyebrows… hmmm?

Amazing that 95 years have passed before someone has decided that this portrayal is provocative don'tcha think?

Imagine for  a moment that you are writing the role of Jack the Ripper for a film or a play. This is the name generally applied to the unidentified murderer responsible for killing five women in and around the Whitechapel district of London in 1888. Unlike Ming, ‘Jack the Ripper’ did exist, but like the comic strip villain , we don’t know what he looked like.

Since the case has never been solved there could have been copycat crimes involving more than one culprit, but for argument’s sake let’s stick with a solo sociopath. London is in England therefore one would expect the vast majority of its population in the latter part of the nineteenth century to be English. However, large numbers of immigrants from Ireland, Russia, Germany and Poland had settled in Whitechapel, and the Jewish population alone was around 50,000. So what do we do? Put a number of nationalities in a hat and draw one out… luck of the draw? Should we placate the feminists and consider a ‘Jill’ the Ripper?

Whichever we choose for the role we might upset some sensitive soul or souls… if we don’t know the nationality of Jack, why did we choose theirs? What have we got against them? Can't make a film about Jack the Ripper then, without getting our knuckles rapped!

I am a Yorkshire lad, born and bred, but in the amateur and professional theatre I have played a Russian, an Irishman, American, American-Irish, French, Welsh (three times), Cockney, and (against type) a homosexual (twice) - despite the fact that I am a straight as a barber’s pole! If we all went on stage and played ourselves, the theatre would grind to a very quick halt.

Those of us privileged to be born in God’s own county are often called "Tykes". On 'tinterweb, Dictionary.com has the following definition of the word… “a cur; a mongrel; a low, contemptible fellow; boor”. By gum… that’s rum!

However… I am proud to be a Tyke. Barnsley football has adopted the nickname, ‘The Tykes’. Those of us from God’s own county are regularly made fun of in films and on television, often by Yorkshire-born writers… Roy Clarke (‘Last of the Summer Wine,’ and ‘Open All Hours’) Keith Waterhouse (‘Billy Liar’) Barry Hines (‘Kes’) J. B. Priestley (‘When We Are Married’) John Godber (Various) Alan Ayckbourn (Various), Michael Palin (‘The Testing of Eric Olthwaite’ and ‘Golden Gordon’, co-written with Terry Jones as part of the ‘Ripping Yarns’.)

I have no problem with that… funny’s funny! If you can’t stand the peat, keep off t’ moors!

By the way... we don’t say “Ooop North!”, nor do we say “Ap North!” We say, “Up North!”

I’m not a racist, but I am a play-fairest Unfortunately, these days, the playing field is sloping like a ski run! What bothers me, more than a little is that whilst The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) is adding a warning about "discriminatory stereotypes" for the recent re-release of ‘Flash Gordon’, in the not too distant past there have been black Hamlets. Black actors have played Richard II, Antonio Salieri in ‘Amadeus’, the Dauphin in Shaw’s “St. Joan”, the Duke of Buckingham in Shakespeare’s Richard III, and…according to IMDB… Denzel Washington is scheduled to play the title role in an upcoming film version of Macbeth! That’s going to jolt the Jocks is it not! (My wife is half Scots… I won’t tell you which half!)

We’re not talking fictional fiends from far away places here… we are talking about real people. History is actually being rewritten. Joseph Stalin did that! He even had people who fell out of favour airbrushed out of photographs, as if they never existed. Let us spray!

The other side of the coin is that actor Will Smith was at the centre of a controversy following reports that he was going to be cast as tennis players Venus and Serena Williams’ father and coach, Richard Williams, in a Hollywood biopic titled “King Richard”. Apparently “many” had pointed out Smith’s lighter skin tone does not match Richard Williams’ darker skin tone. Sounds like they need a Dulux colour chart!

So, there ya go… black can play white, but…

 

                                                    

SNAPPY

NEW 

YEAR

to all our reader... hope you find your crock of gold!

So… we have got rid of the yuckiest of years. It started so well, with the symmetry of 2020, but became nothing short of shuddersome! 

Let’s look forward to 2021, the first year with consecutive numbers since 1920! Hope springs a turtle! 

A big thank you to the superlative staff of the National Health Service… without whom…

My daughter is a team leader at a Covid-19 testing site, and where there’s a Wizz... there’s a way!

                                                                                  

VIDEO

PANTO

INFO     

                       

Well, dear reader... it looks like the coronavirus calamity has put the damper on the pantomime season… both amateur and professional. However, in the true grit and polished troupers’ tradition, the show must go on. So… here’s a possible solution, courtesy of G. Wizz’s whimsical wonderment... aaand... it's all free (although maybe not that easy!)

What ya do is... video ya panto, but not by getting everyone together... nope... ya make the script available electronically, allocate the roles, and people video themselves doing the lines. The best idea would be to do the shots in close-up, so that the background would be out of focus. They could be shot virtually anywhere, but preferably outdoors in natural lighting. 

The actors could knock up their own costumes, wigs, props etc., from crepe paper and the like, based on suggestions the 'producer' sends out. There are lots of ideas on t'Interweb, many of which are copyright free. https://www.instructables.com/ is a good starting point.

You could concoct 'chorus numbers' by having people sing the lyrics to a standard song... nursery rhyme or similar... and this can be edited by 'cross-cutting' from one performer to the next. That way you keep it simple, and you can get the non-copyright, well-known  tunes from a variety of electronic sources.

All this means that you don't have to get together, but it stimulates creativity, and who knows… maybe relieves a bit of boredom.

Can’t help you with the technical side unfortunately. It’s all geek to me. I’m still having problems with a potato peeler!

Here’s a suggestion for an opening number, sung to the tune… ‘Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here!’.

CHORUS #1      Hey, hey, the gang's all here,

CHORUS #2      Oooo… we gotta great show,

CHORUS #3      Absotutely boffo!

CHORUS #4      So… give us three good cheers…

CHORUS #5      Here we are… rarin’ to go!         

 

CHORUS #6      Weee gotta lotta fun,

CHORUS #7      And a fairy story,

CHORUS #8      All o’ that… and more-ee!

CHORUS #9      Something for everyone,

CHORUS #10    Hope it suits ya to a T!

CHORUS # 1     (HOLDS SAUCER IN ONE HAND AND CUP IN THE OTHER – 

                          SPOKEN IN A 'PLUMMY VOICE) Don't mind if ey do!    

A fairy song, sung to the tune … ‘Bobby Shaftoe’

FAIRY                (SINGS)  Fairy Nightingale, that’s me, 

                          Down from off the Christmas tree

                          Ain’t I just a honeybee, starring in this panto? (POSES)

                          (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST, OFF CAMERA) Hold it… hold it!

                          MUSIC STOPS

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE, OUT FRONT) What do you                               mean… you ought to… buzz off? Cheek!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Thank  you… mousetrap!

                          PICK UP ON MUSIC

                          (SINGS) Boyfriends… I have had umpteen...

                          Just you watch me steal this scene

                          'Cos I am a beauty queen...

                          Peachy-keen... but more so!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Wait... just a minute… wait! 

                          MUSIC

                          (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE} Who said, “She’s got a face like a flat tyre.”?

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE) Was it you?                     

                          (TO PIANIST) Continue…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) Magic spells, I like to weave,

                           Oh what tricks are up my sleeve,

                           Adam would have left his Eve,

                           For my mumbo jumbo

                           (SPOKEN TO AUDIENCE) All right… no funny cracks about “jumbo”!                                           Common lot! (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST) Please…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) As a singer, I’ve got pluck,

                           Sorry folks, you’re out of luck,

                           'Cos we tried... but couldn’t book,

                           Adele for this panto!

                           (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE) She wanted thirty quid... and her own coat                                   hanger in the dressing room!

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) That’s mi song,

                           I’ve sung it right,

                           To applaud would be polite,

                           If you don’t, then I just might…

                           Sing another solo!

 

And… an all-purpose number, sung to the tune… ‘The Caissons Go Rolling Along.’

CHORUS #1      We got verve, we got nerve,

CHORUS #2      And we get what we deserve,

CHORUS #3      When we’re swingin’, and singin’ a song!

CHORUS #4      We’re far out… there’s no doubt,

CHORUS #5      Hey…that’s what it’s all about,

CHORUS #6      Stick with us and… you won’t go far wrong!

And one for the finale, sung to the tune… ‘Camptown Races’

CHORUS #1      Oh, it’s great to sing this song,

CHORUS #2      Soo-pah, doo-pah!

CHORUS #3      We rang the bell and banged the gong,

CHORUS #4      Shout hip-hip-hooray!

CHORUS #5      Reached the dizzy heights,

CHORUS #6      And we did okay!

CHORUS #7      We sorta sorted out that scallywag

CHORUS #8      Time for us to fade away!

You might even include an audience participation number, sung to the tune… ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It!”

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (LEFT INDEX FINGER TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it then you really ought to show it,

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE AND LEFT INDEX FINGER                                    TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

www.retiredscouter.com/resource_songs.html - has literally hundreds of songs based on popular non-copyright tunes.

 

As far as a script is concerned…

savvytheatre.wixsite.com/pmfly/free has ‘Cindrella a Pantomime’, and ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ attributed to one… Sheree Vickers, which, the site states…

“… can be adapted and re-written according to your individual group needs.”

Unfortunately Sheree is a little confused with regards to gender in the animal kingdom, hence the lines in “Jack…”

Mum:    Jack, I’m afraid I have some bad news...we’re going to have to sell the... (She spells     the word C-O-W)

             The cow pauses, works out the spelling and then moo’s its disapproval.

 Cow:    Moooo            

 Jack:    ...but mum, he’s my best friend - even if he is a cow.

 

Herrrm… the cow is a she, Sheree!

Still, dear reader, you might use this script as a basis.

another possible starting point is…

https.//annperrin.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/cinderella-the-whole-panto-in-five-minutes/or...

http://jiru.blogspot.com/2011/11/short-play-mixed-up-fairy-tale.html

So… there you go!. Nothing to it really... apart from a lot of work!

For a free bottle of Millburn's Midnight Oil send just £1.50 to P.O. Box 2, Threefor, Fife

Best of luck!

 

GIVE
PEAS
A CHANCE!

According to the BBC News this morning, someone… who I confess I wouldn’t know from Adam (or Eve for that matter)… has apparently signed an exclusive multi-year podcast deal with Spotify, believed to be worth $100m (£82 million).

Now… all  this is geek to me. First of all, I don’t know what Spotify is.  I can only assume that they are manufacturers of some sort of... pimple preparation. As far as a ‘podcast’ is concerned, I would hazard a guess that that involves fixing the elongated seed vessel of a leguminous plant to a hook on the end of a fishing line and… casting it into a canal, a creek or a culvert. What’s the catch? I can’t fathom out why anyone would pay so much moolah for messing about on a river. There must be some other angle, surely!

'T AIN'T

FUNNY

McGEE!"*

I came across the following on the blog of someone who describes himself as... "A creative person... comedy - music - writing... but mostly comedy." He is offering advice to aspiring comedians, regarding opening lines, and he gives as good(?) examples the contributions from a couple of what can only be called... cozeners!

The names are anagrams... they know who they are! 

1st Comic: Erma Gonskeet (very high energy rush to the stage)

“YO YO YO! WHAT’S UP PARTY PEOPLE?

If you think 911 was an inside job, lemme hear you make some noise…”
(as the crowd cheers, she catches her breath a bit and lowers her energy)
“and if you don’t, then I have a poorly made Netflix documentary I’d like to show you”

(raises energy again)

“Wake up and smell the loose change mother f**kers…”

After this opening whirlwind, she continues into a string of one-liners extolling how funny she’ll be as if selling her act to the audience…

“I hope you brought an extra colostomy bag, cause you guys are going to lose your s**t”

“I hope you don’t mind looking a little gay, cause you won’t be able to keep a straight face”

The second comic on the lineup is Conan Tishvane.

He starts off a little more subdued, but still with a good energy. He speaks directly to the crowd, acknowledging them with a “Give yourselves a round of applause” and then he makes a quick reference in the moment to the incredible shrinking mic stand…(somehow the mic stand got loosened and slid down when he moved it out-of-the-way) after getting these niceties our of the way, he hits his first joke:

“All the way from New York, I am a military veteran. I am a military veteran… (this will always get a smattering of applause, as it should… and as they clap he pulls out his dog tags…) “Yeah, these are real… yeah, I didn’t get them at Hot Topic or wherever the f**k people are getting these…. I saw a guy the other day wearing them and I said ‘Hey bro, I was in the military, what branch were you in?’… and he kinda mumbled something ‘Navy’… and I said, “Oh shit, you were in the Navy… and said ‘No.. Old Navy, I got it at Old Navy on Friday…’

Old Navy is an American clothing and accessories retailing company, where… “You can find all of your wardrobe "must-have's" at prices you can’t believe. Everything from your favorite T-shirts and jeans to your seasonal fashion faves. 

If this is comedy, I am King Caractacus! It is even less funny than ‘Fleabag’… and I didn’t think that was possible!

Unbelievably, there are people who will actually defend this dross… Here’s a quote from someone described as a… “writer, actor and stand-up comedian”.

"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny."

Does this mean that if your unfunny comedian goes into hospital for an operation, and he or she dies on the operating table, that’s successful? Hmmn?

We can all do that… “Gi’s a job! Where's me scalpel?"

It's balderdash, piffle and poppycock… now they were funny!

*A catch-phrase from the American radio show, 'Fibber McGee and Molly', which aired for more than 1100 episodes from 1935 to 1959. Set in the fictional Midwestern city of Wistful Vista, the sitcom was a reflection of the American scene, and showcased some top-notch comic and musical talent. The show’s creators and stars were a married couple, Jim and Marian Jordan.

MAKING A
SONG AND
DANCE OF   
IT!

I have been including recommendations for music number in my pantomime scripts for quite some time, but now, no longer. Often the search was quite laborious, and there’s no guarantee that groups using my scripts will follow the recommendations anyway.

From an early age, I was spoon-fed jazz. My father was a great fan, and he had a considerable collection of 78 rpm records. As my teens started, so did the rock ‘n’ roll era, with 45 rpm discs. In October 1962, we heard… “Love, love me do… “Beatlemania"! As my late brother used to say… “We had the best… and now they’ve got the rest”.

What dire dross is being doled out today. How can they yell like that when nobody’s hitting them with a cricket bat?

So… I am writing new lyrics for what one could call ‘traditional’ songs, and also for popular tunes in the ‘public domain’, which means they must meet at least one of the following criteria:

·                    All rights have expired.

·                    The authors have explicitly put the work into the public domain.

·                    There never were copyrights.

In general terms, in the U.K., a song is in the public domain if the publication date is before 1925, if the song has no composer, or if it is a ‘folk’ song. Some music publishers have available pre 1925 songs which have been ‘arranged’ by someone since then, and therefore are copyright. It’s a bit of a minefield, so tread carefully.

If a piece of music does not fall within public domain and is under copyright, then it is unlawful to reproduce, perform, distribute, or create a new version of that music without a proper license under many countries jurisdictions.

Useful information is available on the following websites, where hundreds of songs are listed… enough to keep you going for quite some time!

www.pdinfo.com

rockytopconcert.weebly.co/public domain songs.html

Also, on – monologues.co.uk – you will find hundreds of song lyrics which have been put together, over a 12 year period, by a small group of and music hall enthusiasts. Most of the songs would have been popular between the years 1860 – 1920, and each one has the date of publication listed.

There is also a collection of 100 printable PDF music sheets.

One bee that gets in my bonnet is… if I do a Google search for a lyric, the stateside search engine asks… “Did you mean lyrics for… “No I didn’t, Yank!

I'M ON A ROLL!

Quite often, in the wee small hours I scan the television channels to try and find something ‘interesting’ to watch. 

Most early mornings that’s about as easy as underwater yodelling! What a bedazzlement of blandness, with the likes of ‘Gogglebox’, and even ‘Celebrity Gogglebox’, featuring prominently.

I have never watched this show, but then I have never watched wallpaper dry. However, we have a saying here in the county of broad acres… where there’s brainwaves, there’s brass. So, I got the old grey matter into gear, and I came up with an idea for a brand new television programme. 

‘Thunderbox’! It’s a terrific title, isn’t it?

Yes! It will feature members of the general public droning on, whilst doin’... the what comes naturally. That's… copious codswallow from the khazi!

Remember, you read it here first… that will help me if there is a dispute over copyright!

HAPPY GNU YEAR
to all our reader!
2020

And remember... you only go around once in life. Unless, of course, you're one of those people who likes to hang from their ceiling fan!

A MAD WORLD 

MY MASTERS*                                                                

Here’s some splutter I came across on t’Interweb the other day.

                                                                          

"Hollywood and the entertainment industry are paying more and more attention to issues of diversity and gender equality in films and television shows and now Walt Disney Studios has a new tool to help. Announced at the New Zealand Power of Inclusion Summit earlier this week, Disney is partnering with Geena Davis and her Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media to deploy a new tool that functions as a "spellcheck" for gender bias in film and television scripts.

According to a report from The Hollywood Reporter, the new "GD-IQ: Spellcheck for Bias" tool is an AI technology-using digital tool that is able to analyze a script's text and evaluate the number of male and female characters and if the breakdown is representative of the actual population. The tool, which was developed at the University of Southern California Viterbi School of Engineering, can also be used to evaluate how many characters are LGBTQ+, are people of colour, have disabilities as well as other groups frequently underrepresented in media. Additionally, the tool can check the number of lines spoken by group as well as additional characteristics. According to Davis, Disney is the pilot partner for the tool."

I checked that it wasn’t All Fools’ Day... but it wasn’t. Then I pinched myself to make sure it wasn’t a bad dream… nope! Well they do say truth is stranger than fiction.

But then I twigged it. This must be down (get it) to the impact that this megastar met with after driving off that cliff in the film ‘Thelma and Louise’. The mega G force landing couldn’t have done much good for the old grey matter. And I thought they used stunt drivers… but there you go… and stop… suddenly!

So, if the judgemental Gina has her way, I reckon that the entire Shakespeare canon won’t make the grade, along with plays by the likes of George Bernard Shaw, Anton Chekhov, Neil Simon and Molière, to mention only a few. Varied as the characters are in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ I suppose the Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks would have an issue with an accurate dramatisation, since there is nary an “African ant bear” in Lewis Carroll’s classic. The closest thing is the Duchess’s baby that turns into a pig!

Joking aside, this is seriously sinister…. shades of ‘1984’… and they are all greyish. Of course the Thinkpol would be cock-a-hoop… or should that now be, “cock and hen-a-hoop”! Gosh, we really are going to have mind our Ps and Qs… which unfortunately excludes twenty-four other letters of the alphabet! Wow… this is a minefield… or should it be “a yourfield, or “an ourfield”? Stop the world I want to get out!

 

In the month of March this year, in London, there was a production of Shakespeare’s ‘Richard II’ featuring an all-female cast of... “women of colour”. We are talking historical figures here… living beings. Yes, the Bard was occasionally a little cavalier with history, but not to that extent.

“During the Stalin era, Russian history was rewritten to conform to the political demands of an increasingly controlling regime.” ‘Rewriting Russian History: Stalin Era Representations’ -

Ludmilla A. Trigos

“‘Who controls the past,’ ran the Party slogan, ‘controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.’” 1984 - George Orwell

*’A Mad World, My Masters’ is a Jacobean stage play written by Thomas Middleton, a comedy first performed around 1605 and first published in 1608. It would surely be a victim of the blue stocking’s blue pencil!