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Well, dear reader... it looks like the coronavirus calamity has put the damper on the pantomime season… both amateur and professional. However, in the true grit and polished troupers’ tradition, the show must go on. So… here’s a possible solution, courtesy of G. Wizz’s whimsical wonderment... aaand... it's all free (although maybe not that easy!)

What ya do is... video ya panto, but not by getting everyone together... nope... ya make the script available electronically, allocate the roles, and people video themselves doing the lines. The best idea would be to do the shots in close-up, so that the background would be out of focus. They could be shot virtually anywhere, but preferably outdoors in natural lighting. 

The actors could knock up their own costumes, wigs, props etc., from crepe paper and the like, based on suggestions the 'producer' sends out. There are lots of ideas on t'Interweb, many of which are copyright free. https://www.instructables.com/ is a good starting point.

You could concoct 'chorus numbers' by having people sing the lyrics to a standard song... nursery rhyme or similar... and this can be edited by 'cross-cutting' from one performer to the next. That way you keep it simple, and you can get the non-copyright, well-known  tunes from a variety of electronic sources.

All this means that you don't have to get together, but it stimulates creativity, and who knows… maybe relieves a bit of boredom.

Can’t help you with the technical side unfortunately. It’s all geek to me. I’m still having problems with a potato peeler!

Here’s a suggestion for an opening number, sung to the tune… ‘Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here!’.

CHORUS #1      Hey, hey, the gang's all here,

CHORUS #2      Oooo… we gotta great show,

CHORUS #3      Absotutely boffo!

CHORUS #4      So… give us three good cheers…

CHORUS #5      Here we are… rarin’ to go!         

 

CHORUS #6      Weee gotta lotta fun,

CHORUS #7      And a fairy story,

CHORUS #8      All o’ that… and more-ee!

CHORUS #9      Something for everyone,

CHORUS #10    Hope it suits ya to a T!

CHORUS # 1     (HOLDS SAUCER IN ONE HAND AND CUP IN THE OTHER – 

                          SPOKEN IN A 'PLUMMY VOICE) Don't mind if ey do!    

A fairy song, sung to the tune … ‘Bobby Shaftoe’

FAIRY                (SINGS)  Fairy Nightingale, that’s me, 

                          Down from off the Christmas tree

                          Ain’t I just a honeybee, starring in this panto? (POSES)

                          (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST, OFF CAMERA) Hold it… hold it!

                          MUSIC STOPS

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE, OUT FRONT) What do you                               mean… you ought to… buzz off? Cheek!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Thank  you… mousetrap!

                          PICK UP ON MUSIC

                          (SINGS) Boyfriends… I have had umpteen...

                          Just you watch me steal this scene

                          'Cos I am a beauty queen...

                          Peachy-keen... but more so!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Wait... just a minute… wait! 

                          MUSIC

                          (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE} Who said, “She’s got a face like a flat tyre.”?

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE) Was it you?                     

                          (TO PIANIST) Continue…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) Magic spells, I like to weave,

                           Oh what tricks are up my sleeve,

                           Adam would have left his Eve,

                           For my mumbo jumbo

                           (SPOKEN TO AUDIENCE) All right… no funny cracks about “jumbo”!                                           Common lot! (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST) Please…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) As a singer, I’ve got pluck,

                           Sorry folks, you’re out of luck,

                           'Cos we tried... but couldn’t book,

                           Adele for this panto!

                           (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE) She wanted thirty quid... and her own coat                                   hanger in the dressing room!

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) That’s mi song,

                           I’ve sung it right,

                           To applaud would be polite,

                           If you don’t, then I just might…

                           Sing another solo!

 

And… an all-purpose number, sung to the tune… ‘The Caissons Go Rolling Along.’

CHORUS #1      We got verve, we got nerve,

CHORUS #2      And we get what we deserve,

CHORUS #3      When we’re swingin’, and singin’ a song!

CHORUS #4      We’re far out… there’s no doubt,

CHORUS #5      Hey…that’s what it’s all about,

CHORUS #6      Stick with us and… you won’t go far wrong!

And one for the finale, sung to the tune… ‘Camptown Races’

CHORUS #1      Oh, it’s great to sing this song,

CHORUS #2      Soo-pah, doo-pah!

CHORUS #3      We rang the bell and banged the gong,

CHORUS #4      Shout hip-hip-hooray!

CHORUS #5      Reached the dizzy heights,

CHORUS #6      And we did okay!

CHORUS #7      We sorta sorted out that scallywag

CHORUS #8      Time for us to fade away!

You might even include an audience participation number, sung to the tune… ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It!”

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (LEFT INDEX FINGER TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it then you really ought to show it,

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE AND LEFT INDEX FINGER                                    TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

www.retiredscouter.com/resource_songs.html - has literally hundreds of songs based on popular non-copyright tunes.

 

As far as a script is concerned…

savvytheatre.wixsite.com/pmfly/free has ‘Cindrella a Pantomime’, and ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ attributed to one… Sheree Vickers, which, the site states…

“… can be adapted and re-written according to your individual group needs.”

Unfortunately Sheree is a little confused with regards to gender in the animal kingdom, hence the lines in “Jack…”

Mum:    Jack, I’m afraid I have some bad news...we’re going to have to sell the... (She spells     the word C-O-W)

             The cow pauses, works out the spelling and then moo’s its disapproval.

 Cow:    Moooo            

 Jack:    ...but mum, he’s my best friend - even if he is a cow.

 

Herrrm… the cow is a she, Sheree!

Still, dear reader, you might use this script as a basis.

another possible starting point is…

https.//annperrin.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/cinderella-the-whole-panto-in-five-minutes/or...

http://jiru.blogspot.com/2011/11/short-play-mixed-up-fairy-tale.html

So… there you go!. Nothing to it really... apart from a lot of work!

For a free bottle of Millburn's Midnight Oil send just £1.50 to P.O. Box 2, Threefor, Fife

Best of luck!