A FLASH

IN THE

TAN!

or… now for something completely the same... or maybe even worse! Yes... it’s a follow-up to Ming the Merciless story (see 3 January, below).

The release date for Channel 5’s upcoming historical thriller ‘Anne Boleyn’, has been announced.

The 3-part “historical psychological thriller”, will debut on Channel 5 at 9pm on Tuesday, June 1. It stars the British-born black actress, Jodie Turner Smith, as the second wife of Henry VIII, who was Queen of England from 1533 to 1536, and a black actor plays the role of her brother George. Shomething wrong here... surely!

Portraits of Anne, her parents, sister and brother, all depict people of the white or west Eurasian race, so it is hardly surprising that this politically correct casting has caused quite a few raised eyebrows… and... dropped jaws. 

“I did know [that this role] would be something that people felt very passionately about.", claimed the title role player

Well Jodie, I reckon that it is history that we feel passionate about. We have quite a lot of it… and… we like it to be correctly recounted and re-enacted… warts and all!

Wikipedia has a piece on historical negationism (also called denialism), which it describes as “falsification or distortion of the historical record.”

It goes on… “Some countries, such as Germany, have criminalized (sic) the negationist revision of certain historical events…others mandate negationist views, such as Japan, where schoolchildren are explicitly prevented from learning about Japanese war crimes.

Notable examples of negationism include Holocaust denial, Armenian Genocide denial, the Lost Cause of the Confederacy, the Myth of the clean Wehrmacht, and the denial of Soviet crimes. 

Interestingly, also according to Wikipedia, the ‘Lost Cause of the Confederacy’… or simply the ‘Lost Cause’… is an American pseudo-historical, negationist ideology that advocates the belief that the cause of the Confederate States during the American Civil War was heroic, just, and not centred on slavery. This ideology has furthered the belief that slavery was moral, because the enslaved were happy, even grateful, and it also brought economic prosperity.

Are you sitting comfortably, Jodie?

I found the information about the ‘Anne Boleyn; series on the ‘Metro’ website, where they have the by-line… “NEWS BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT” … rather appropriate don’tcha thirnk!

So… what’s next, Channel 5… a white Martin Luther King… a white George Floyd?

Nah! I have fathomed out a follow-up for you. It’s a gold-plated, copper-bottomed, sure-fire certainty, which I am sure you’ll be tickled pink about! Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Hows about… the rise and demise of Princess Diana, with a drag artist playing the leading role? Yes? I reckon one of Ru Paul’s pals would be up for it… if you know what I mean!

Of course, I would expect royalties… say… a grand for the Guinol!

              

DONE TO A TURN 

Whilst checking through my script for Cinderella (see below), I searched YouTube for any neat suggestions for Cinderella's coach, which can be a problem getting on and off small stages.

I came across a very sturdy one in a production presented in the U.S.A., which I discovered had been made by someone in the woodworking trade.

Strangely, whilst it was very well built, it was painted all in white with no decoration or trimming whatsoever. Unfortunately its somewhat drab appearance was consistant with the performances of the 'actors'. Yes, they were quite young... 'only amateurs'... but at least one of the adults involved with the production should surely have had some knowledge of stagecraft, before they encouraged them to tread the boards.

 

The coach was drawn on from the wings by four young ladies dressed in ballet costumes, and wearing headdresses. I’m not sure if they were supposed to be horses, because when they parked the conveyance centre stage, they did move their legs with a kind of static jogging action, not really co-ordinated, but they were chatting to each other. They had that look of doing what they were doing under sufferance, and wishing they were anywhere else but in front of an audience. No enthusiasm… no smiles… no pizzazz! 

A flunkey followed the coach. This was a lad in his early teens, dressed in a drab, brown footman’s costume with knee britches, white stockings, and white gloves… which appeared to be a mite too small for him. He had a regulation haircut, was sans wig, or hat, but he was sporting thick-rimmed spectacles, which I presume he wore off stage. He stood as still as a bowl of porridge, with one arm behind his back, and the other across his waist. There was no reaction at all, even when the Fairy Godmother waved her wand and pulled off Cinderella’s not very drab dress, to reveal a not very splendid ball gown, thereby causing a flutter of strategically placed silver foil. Perhaps he’d seen it before at rehearsal!

If you think I am being unkind to these young people, you’ve got the wrong end of the sticky thing. Presumably there were adults involved in this production… in fact the aforementioned Fairy had probably seen some twenty or so summers, but it appeared that even she wasn’t too sure about stagecraft. Standing stage left, she made a move to cross to stage right… when she arrived there, she did a clockwork turn to indicate the entrance of the coach (from stage right). The turn should have been anti-clockwise, thereby keeping her face towards the audience practically the whole time. It’s a simple thing… but it’s basic stagecraft.

Surely someone amongst the involved adults should know the rules and demonstrate them to young folks. If they were coaching football they would tell their charges that only the goalkeepers can handle the ball in open play…and in tennis, you can’t let the ball bounce twice before you hit it back over the net… wouldn’t they?

I did a search on the INTERNET ARCHIVE (archive.org) and found more than a dozen books on stagecraft, including, “BREAK A LEG The Kid’s Book of Acting and Stagecraft”, by James McGrew. You can sign up for free on the INTERNET ARCHIVE and ‘borrow’ these books i.e. read them via your computer. The service cost zippo, zero, zilch! So… there’s no excuse, is there?

For those of you who think that I am being unkind to amateur actors, and directors, suffice it to say that I acted with six amateur groups, and directed for four, before I trod the boards as a professional. I also read books about acting, although I must admit I didn’t manage to get to the end of ‘An Actor Prepares’ before dozing off!            

BACK IN 

THE OLD 

ROUTINE

Last weekend, I received a request for a pantomime script... 'Cinderella' it was... the first one in some time, because of lockdown restrictions, of course. 

It's good to know that at least one group is being optimistic in hoping that they can get back on the boards later this year, or maybe early next year. 

So... "Beginners please... cue overture!"

Let's hope it happens... and you panto people can provide a peppy pick-me-up for the punters!

 

                                 MINGS AIN'T

WHAT THEY

USED TO BE! 

Here we go again… another storm in a teaspoon! Yes, dear reader, the PC brigade is on the march once more… which must surely offend all the other months of the year! 

The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has added a warning about "discriminatory stereotypes" for the recent re-release of the 1980 film, “Flash Gordon”, based on an American daily comic strip which ran from 1934 until 1992, with the Sunday strip continuing until 2003. 

Pourquoi? Well… the thought police have decided that “…due to his hair and make-up, the villain of the piece, Ming the Merciless, a ruthless tyrant who rules the planet Mongo, was of East Asian appearance and was played by Sweden's Max Von Sydow. They reckon that this is something that viewers may find dubious if not outright offensive.” I kid you not… (Whoops! That’s going to upset a few young goats!)

Personally, I think that Ming looks like… Ming might look… but since no-one has ever been to the planet Mongo… mainly because it doesn’t exist… how the aitch do we know what he looks like?

Is the objection because he’s the baddy, and that’s tarring East Asians with the same brush? Now there’s an expression that won’t find favour in some politically select circles… or should that be ‘squares’?

East Asia comprises China, Hong Kong, Japan, Macau, Mongolia, North Korea, South Korea, and Taiwan. Also, there’s Tibet in there, which includes ethnic groups such as Moupa, Tamang, Qiang, Sherpa and Lhoba. We are talking a combined population of some 1.6 billion. I would have thought that linking them all together may not please quite a few of them… or do they all look alike to the BBFC?

Quite frankly, I reckon that Max Von Sydow, pictured left in the risky role, looks more like a fiendish villain with exaggerated makeup, than someone from East Asia… nobody has eyebrows like that, do they? It’s play acting for crickey’s sake!

The actor pictured right is Charles Middleton born in Kentucky, U.S.A. He played Ming in the original 13 episode Flash Gordon serial in 1936… note the similarities to von Sydow, whom he predated by 44 years.

Pictured left is the Swiss born Emil Jannings, as he appeared in the role of Mephistopheles… a familiar spirit of the Devil… in the 1926 German film, ‘Faust – Eine deutsche Volkssage’. Now that’s a serious baddy! Notice the headgear, and the eyebrows… hmmm?

Amazing that 95 years have passed before someone has decided that this portrayal is provocative don'tcha think?

Imagine for  a moment that you are writing the role of Jack the Ripper for a film or a play. This is the name generally applied to the unidentified murderer responsible for killing five women in and around the Whitechapel district of London in 1888. Unlike Ming, ‘Jack the Ripper’ did exist, but like the comic strip villain , we don’t know what he looked like.

Since the case has never been solved there could have been copycat crimes involving more than one culprit, but for argument’s sake let’s stick with a solo sociopath. London is in England therefore one would expect the vast majority of its population in the latter part of the nineteenth century to be English. However, large numbers of immigrants from Ireland, Russia, Germany and Poland had settled in Whitechapel, and the Jewish population alone was around 50,000. So what do we do? Put a number of nationalities in a hat and draw one out… luck of the draw? Should we placate the feminists and consider a ‘Jill’ the Ripper?

Whichever we choose for the role we might upset some sensitive soul or souls… if we don’t know the nationality of Jack, why did we choose theirs? What have we got against them? Can't make a film about Jack the Ripper then, without getting our knuckles rapped!

I am a Yorkshire lad, born and bred, but in the amateur and professional theatre I have played a Russian, an Irishman, American, American-Irish, French, Welsh (three times), Cockney, and (against type) a homosexual (twice) - despite the fact that I am a straight as a barber’s pole! If we all went on stage and played ourselves, the theatre would grind to a very quick halt.

Those of us privileged to be born in God’s own county are often called "Tykes". On 'tinterweb, Dictionary.com has the following definition of the word… “a cur; a mongrel; a low, contemptible fellow; boor”. By gum… that’s rum!

However… I am proud to be a Tyke. Barnsley football has adopted the nickname, ‘The Tykes’. Those of us from God’s own county are regularly made fun of in films and on television, often by Yorkshire-born writers… Roy Clarke (‘Last of the Summer Wine,’ and ‘Open All Hours’) Keith Waterhouse (‘Billy Liar’) Barry Hines (‘Kes’) J. B. Priestley (‘When We Are Married’) John Godber (Various) Alan Ayckbourn (Various), Michael Palin (‘The Testing of Eric Olthwaite’ and ‘Golden Gordon’, co-written with Terry Jones as part of the ‘Ripping Yarns’.)

I have no problem with that… funny’s funny! If you can’t stand the peat, keep off t’ moors!

By the way... we don’t say “Ooop North!”, nor do we say “Ap North!” We say, “Up North!”

I’m not a racist, but I am a play-fairest Unfortunately, these days, the playing field is sloping like a ski run! What bothers me, more than a little is that whilst The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) is adding a warning about "discriminatory stereotypes" for the recent re-release of ‘Flash Gordon’, in the not too distant past there have been black Hamlets. Black actors have played Richard II, Antonio Salieri in ‘Amadeus’, the Dauphin in Shaw’s “St. Joan”, the Duke of Buckingham in Shakespeare’s Richard III, and…according to IMDB… Denzel Washington is scheduled to play the title role in an upcoming film version of Macbeth! That’s going to jolt the Jocks is it not! (My wife is half Scots… I won’t tell you which half!)

We’re not talking fictional fiends from far away places here… we are talking about real people. History is actually being rewritten. Joseph Stalin did that! He even had people who fell out of favour airbrushed out of photographs, as if they never existed. Let us spray!

The other side of the coin is that actor Will Smith was at the centre of a controversy following reports that he was going to be cast as tennis players Venus and Serena Williams’ father and coach, Richard Williams, in a Hollywood biopic titled “King Richard”. Apparently “many” had pointed out Smith’s lighter skin tone does not match Richard Williams’ darker skin tone. Sounds like they need a Dulux colour chart!

So, there ya go… black can play white, but…

 

                                                    

SNAPPY

NEW 

YEAR

to all our reader... hope you find your crock of gold!

So… we have got rid of the yuckiest of years. It started so well, with the symmetry of 2020, but became nothing short of shuddersome! 

Let’s look forward to 2021, the first year with consecutive numbers since 1920! Hope springs a turtle! 

A big thank you to the superlative staff of the National Health Service… without whom…

My daughter is a team leader at a Covid-19 testing site, and where there’s a Wizz... there’s a way!

                                                                                  

VIDEO

PANTO

INFO     

                       

Well, dear reader... it looks like the coronavirus calamity has put the damper on the pantomime season… both amateur and professional. However, in the true grit and polished troupers’ tradition, the show must go on. So… here’s a possible solution, courtesy of G. Wizz’s whimsical wonderment... aaand... it's all free (although maybe not that easy!)

What ya do is... video ya panto, but not by getting everyone together... nope... ya make the script available electronically, allocate the roles, and people video themselves doing the lines. The best idea would be to do the shots in close-up, so that the background would be out of focus. They could be shot virtually anywhere, but preferably outdoors in natural lighting. 

The actors could knock up their own costumes, wigs, props etc., from crepe paper and the like, based on suggestions the 'producer' sends out. There are lots of ideas on t'Interweb, many of which are copyright free. https://www.instructables.com/ is a good starting point.

You could concoct 'chorus numbers' by having people sing the lyrics to a standard song... nursery rhyme or similar... and this can be edited by 'cross-cutting' from one performer to the next. That way you keep it simple, and you can get the non-copyright, well-known  tunes from a variety of electronic sources.

All this means that you don't have to get together, but it stimulates creativity, and who knows… maybe relieves a bit of boredom.

Can’t help you with the technical side unfortunately. It’s all geek to me. I’m still having problems with a potato peeler!

Here’s a suggestion for an opening number, sung to the tune… ‘Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here!’.

CHORUS #1      Hey, hey, the gang's all here,

CHORUS #2      Oooo… we gotta great show,

CHORUS #3      Absotutely boffo!

CHORUS #4      So… give us three good cheers…

CHORUS #5      Here we are… rarin’ to go!         

 

CHORUS #6      Weee gotta lotta fun,

CHORUS #7      And a fairy story,

CHORUS #8      All o’ that… and more-ee!

CHORUS #9      Something for everyone,

CHORUS #10    Hope it suits ya to a T!

CHORUS # 1     (HOLDS SAUCER IN ONE HAND AND CUP IN THE OTHER – 

                          SPOKEN IN A 'PLUMMY VOICE) Don't mind if ey do!    

A fairy song, sung to the tune … ‘Bobby Shaftoe’

FAIRY                (SINGS)  Fairy Nightingale, that’s me, 

                          Down from off the Christmas tree

                          Ain’t I just a honeybee, starring in this panto? (POSES)

                          (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST, OFF CAMERA) Hold it… hold it!

                          MUSIC STOPS

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE, OUT FRONT) What do you                               mean… you ought to… buzz off? Cheek!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Thank  you… mousetrap!

                          PICK UP ON MUSIC

                          (SINGS) Boyfriends… I have had umpteen...

                          Just you watch me steal this scene

                          'Cos I am a beauty queen...

                          Peachy-keen... but more so!

                          (SPOKEN TO PIANIST) Wait... just a minute… wait! 

                          MUSIC

                          (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE} Who said, “She’s got a face like a flat tyre.”?

                          (SPOKEN TO A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE) Was it you?                     

                          (TO PIANIST) Continue…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) Magic spells, I like to weave,

                           Oh what tricks are up my sleeve,

                           Adam would have left his Eve,

                           For my mumbo jumbo

                           (SPOKEN TO AUDIENCE) All right… no funny cracks about “jumbo”!                                           Common lot! (SPOKEN, TO PIANIST) Please…

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) As a singer, I’ve got pluck,

                           Sorry folks, you’re out of luck,

                           'Cos we tried... but couldn’t book,

                           Adele for this panto!

                           (SPOKEN TO THE AUDIENCE) She wanted thirty quid... and her own coat                                   hanger in the dressing room!

                           PICK UP ON MUSIC

                           (SINGS) That’s mi song,

                           I’ve sung it right,

                           To applaud would be polite,

                           If you don’t, then I just might…

                           Sing another solo!

 

And… an all-purpose number, sung to the tune… ‘The Caissons Go Rolling Along.’

CHORUS #1      We got verve, we got nerve,

CHORUS #2      And we get what we deserve,

CHORUS #3      When we’re swingin’, and singin’ a song!

CHORUS #4      We’re far out… there’s no doubt,

CHORUS #5      Hey…that’s what it’s all about,

CHORUS #6      Stick with us and… you won’t go far wrong!

And one for the finale, sung to the tune… ‘Camptown Races’

CHORUS #1      Oh, it’s great to sing this song,

CHORUS #2      Soo-pah, doo-pah!

CHORUS #3      We rang the bell and banged the gong,

CHORUS #4      Shout hip-hip-hooray!

CHORUS #5      Reached the dizzy heights,

CHORUS #6      And we did okay!

CHORUS #7      We sorta sorted out that scallywag

CHORUS #8      Time for us to fade away!

You might even include an audience participation number, sung to the tune… ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It!”

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (LEFT INDEX FINGER TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

                            If you're daffy and you know it then you really ought to show it,

                            If you're daffy and you know it do the sign…

                            (RIGHT INDEX FINGER TO RIGHT TEMPLE AND LEFT INDEX FINGER                                    TO LEFT TEMPLE) DUH!

www.retiredscouter.com/resource_songs.html - has literally hundreds of songs based on popular non-copyright tunes.

 

As far as a script is concerned…

savvytheatre.wixsite.com/pmfly/free has ‘Cindrella a Pantomime’, and ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ attributed to one… Sheree Vickers, which, the site states…

“… can be adapted and re-written according to your individual group needs.”

Unfortunately Sheree is a little confused with regards to gender in the animal kingdom, hence the lines in “Jack…”

Mum:    Jack, I’m afraid I have some bad news...we’re going to have to sell the... (She spells     the word C-O-W)

             The cow pauses, works out the spelling and then moo’s its disapproval.

 Cow:    Moooo            

 Jack:    ...but mum, he’s my best friend - even if he is a cow.

 

Herrrm… the cow is a she, Sheree!

Still, dear reader, you might use this script as a basis.

another possible starting point is…

https.//annperrin.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/cinderella-the-whole-panto-in-five-minutes/or...

http://jiru.blogspot.com/2011/11/short-play-mixed-up-fairy-tale.html

So… there you go!. Nothing to it really... apart from a lot of work!

For a free bottle of Millburn's Midnight Oil send just £1.50 to P.O. Box 2, Threefor, Fife

Best of luck!

 

GIVE
PEAS
A CHANCE!

According to the BBC News this morning, someone… who I confess I wouldn’t know from Adam (or Eve for that matter)… has apparently signed an exclusive multi-year podcast deal with Spotify, believed to be worth $100m (£82 million).

Now… all  this is geek to me. First of all, I don’t know what Spotify is.  I can only assume that they are manufacturers of some sort of... pimple preparation. As far as a ‘podcast’ is concerned, I would hazard a guess that that involves fixing the elongated seed vessel of a leguminous plant to a hook on the end of a fishing line and… casting it into a canal, a creek or a culvert. What’s the catch? I can’t fathom out why anyone would pay so much moolah for messing about on a river. There must be some other angle, surely!