VARIATIONS

ON A

THEME

Recently, I considered including in a pantomime script, my own version of the comedy routine from the film ‘The Court Jester’ (1956), where Danny Kaye, an ex- carnival performer, Hubert Hawkins, posing as Sir Giacomo of Italy, is about to fight Sir Griswold of Mackalwane (Robert Middleton), in mortal combat, until one of them lies dead. Jean (Glynis Johns) and Griselda (Mildred Natwick) plot his escape. It begins…

Griselda: Listen. I have put a pellet of poison in one of the vessels.

Hawkins: Which one?

Griselda: The one with the figure of a pestle.

Hawkins: The vessel with the pestle?

Griselda: Yes. But you don't want the vessel with the pestle, you want the chalice from the palace!

See it on - youtu.be/N4ni2FxH7v8

Then, I thought… “Nix!” Even though the words would be changed, the concept would be the same, and there might be suggestions of swiping. However, whilst I was searching t’Internet for the actual dialogue, I came across reference to an earlier version of the routine, featured in the 1938 film, "Never Say Die," starring Bob Hope. ‘Old Ski Nose’ plays the role of multi-millionaire hypochondriac John Kidley who, whilst spending time at a health spa in Switzerland, meets Mickey Hawkins (Martha Raye), a Texas heiress, whose father has promised her hand to the fortune hunting Prince Smirnow (Alan Mowbray).

It’s pistols at dawn, as Hope is unwillingly drawn into a duel with the Prince. Mickey tries to even the odds, and the routine starts with the man who loads the weapons (Victor Kilian), telling her…

“All you gotta do is tell him this… there's a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet, and a nick on the handle of the pistol with a blank."

See it on - youtu.be/FhOEh6lUhLg

Amazingly, the name ‘Hawkins’ is used in both routines!

Lo and behold, a little while after, I discovered that in the 1933 film, ‘Roman Scandals’, one of my favourite comedians, Eddie Cantor, included a brief version of the routine. I had watched this some years ago, but it didn’t register at the time. The plot involves Eddie being “transported” back to ancient Rome, where he becomes involved in a plot against the Emperor Valerius (Edward Arnold), orchestrated by his scheming wife Agrippa (Verree Teasdale}, who is continually trying to poison him. Eddie is made Valerius' new food taster when the old one succumbs to another of Agrippa's plots, and ‘Banjo Eyes’ has to deliver a dish supposedly comprising of two roast nightingales to the Emperor. The Empress advises him…

“You will take the one without the parsley, for the one without the parsley is the one with the poison.”

See it on - youtu.be/2-9Ly8rn_8U

Very recently, another example came forth… or should it be fourth? In the 1948 film, "A Southern Yankee”, set during the American Civil War, Red Skelton plays a bumbling bellboy, by the name of Aubrey Filmore, who accidentally waylays an infamous Confederate spy known as "The Grey Spider" and is mistaken for him by the Rebels. The routine involves battle plans, and begins…

“The paper's in the pocket of the boot with the buckle. The map's in the packet in the pocket of the jacket. Understand?”

I couldn’t find it on You Tube, so you’ll have to take my word for it, although it is included amongst quotes from the film on IMDb. 

Rumour has it that the routine originated in Burlesque, and Eddie Cantor started his career in that branch of showbiz in 1908 at the Age of 16.

There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of coloured glass that have been in use through all the ages.- Mark Twain, a Biography 

Incidentally, according to television lore, the original laughs for the TV laugh-track technology (‘canned laughter’), invented by Charles Rolland Douglass in the early 1950s, were stripped from an episode of "The Red Skelton Show," which was chosen because Skelton was performing in pantomime (that’s ‘mime’, not ‘panto’), providing a dialogue-free recording. Over the years, Douglass added more sounds. (ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE VOICE) "Not a lot of people know that!"

CLASS ACT #13

Here’s Helen Reddy, singing in the sunshine in the Muppet Show, Series 3, Episode 313, May 1978, when she was 36 years of age. She’ll be 73 in October. Ouch!

How about that corking camel? It would look good in your production of ‘Ali Baba’, ‘Sinbad the Sailor’, or even 'Humpty Dumpty'... hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

Notice that the body of the camel has got two holes in it, both top and bottom. The dancers wear big feet, trimmed with faux fur fabric with long pile hair. Their leggings and ‘hats’ are similarly trimmed, and the camel body just drops over the two of them. It won’t be easy to make, but It’s a stunner… and Helen Reddy is a ‘beaut’ as well!

No tricky dance steps, but very clever, and brilliantly done. A great musical number for a pantomime, camel or no!

CHARACTER

STUDIES

Recently I had a request from someone who was planning to audition for a part in one of my pantomimes. She was actually interested in two specific female characters, and asked if I could supply “character descriptions”, adding, “There does not seem to be any indication of how to present or sound like the characters. She wanted an idea of “...outstanding features… mannerisms..." and to know, "...if either might have… an accent.”

Are these hypertheatrical questions?

It’s true that I don’t describe the characters in any great detail. Shakespeare offers even less.

On the Internet Movie Database, one of their members lists the “Best Hamlet Performance in movies and on stage.” They are, in order… Laurence Olivier, Ethan Hawke, Kenneth Branagh, John Gielgud, Jonathan Pryce, Mark Rylance, Simon Russell Beale, David Warner, Innokenti Smoktunovsky, and Jude Law. I have seen some of these film performance, and there is no question, they differ considerably… even though they are all using the same words.

I suggest an age range for each of the roles I write, but I qualify this with the general… “The ages are preferred, but not fixed.” 

Perhaps I could be more descriptive, but some people might take the suggestions too literally, when there is obviously scope for variations. It can often depend on the actor’s age, physique, physicality, experience, and talent, since there is more than one way to flay a feline.

Back in the 1990s, I played Judge Brack in a professional production of ‘Hedda Gabler’.The sister of an Oscar-winning actor played the title role…no, I’m not dropping the name... and she had an exercise book full of notes about Hedda’s character, her strengths, her weaknesses, her foibles etc. Horses for courses, but that’s not my style. I have always believed that the character is in the script. If it ain’t there, it’s nowhere. There is a story that J.M. Barrie once told an anxious actor who was seeking help in interpreting his part… “I should like you to convey when you are acting it that the man you portray has a brother in Shropshire who drinks port.” Well, bust my buttons!

Often, there is a speech which is the key to a character. Many moons ago, as the crow flies, I played the part of Leonard in an amateur production of ‘Time and Time Again’, by Alan Ayckbourn. Half way through the four week rehearsal period I was really struggling to find the character, I considered playing him with a limp, a hunchback, a strong regional accent… or maybe all three. Then one rehearsal... eureka! As I remember it, there is a speech where the character looks out over some municipal playing fields and contemplates the changing seasons… putting up the goal posts during autumn, taking them down in spring, and mowing the cricket pitches... and so on and so on, ad infinitum. It’s quite philosophical, and I realised that this was very close to my own outlook, which meant that I didn’t really need to act at all… just play myself. The reviews were glowing. One stated, “The cast of five were superb. It was one of the smoothest first night performances I have seen.” So it must have worked.

Accents are something I use sparingly, because I reckon must scripts should be able to be played anywhere in the English-speaking world, without too much difficulty. I am a Yorkshireman born and bred, consequently, the rhythms of speech and some of the phrases probably shout that fact from the rooftops. Often when I am printing off scripts for groups north of the border, I find myself reading the lines with a Scottish accent. I must say, Dames’ dialogue seems to work well with a Caledonian cadence.

Here are some quotes about performing comedy, by and about people who are far more experienced than me…

“Perhaps my definition of comedy is at odds with current trends, but I just believe that to gain the sympathy of the audience for your character, you have to maintain a sense of reality, no matter how fantastical the situation becomes.” Kenneth Williams quoted in - ‘Carry On Laughing’ Adrian Rigelsford: Virgin Books 1996

Frothy as her image may be, Barbara Windsor is much admired by her fellow professionals for the truthfulness with which she plays her pantomime characters. ‘Plays And Players’ December 1977

In the evolution of a (pantomime dame) performance… (Stanley Baxter) doesn’t think about where he’ll get laughs until a very late stage. The early work is concentrated on those dramatic high points that he regards as keys to his character’s development.‘ Plays And Players’ December 1977

…in my impersonations, for example, I seriously study the person I wish to imitate and rehearse the impersonation many times in the serious vein, before I even attempt to give it a humorous twist. Then I try to insert the humour while still in the character of the person I am portraying. Thus, the basis of actuality is given to the impersonation." Comedian Willie Howard, regarded as one of the giants of American Vaudeville.

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns

CHORUS LINES

In his hilarious and indispensable book, ‘The Art of Coarse Acting’, in Chapter 4, ‘A Coarse Actor Performs’, Michael Green offers some advice to help the coarse actor get noticed when he or she enters in a crowd, and even steal a scene when they haven’t any words to say. I remember seeing him present his talk on coarse acting, and with the help of some shawls, stout sticks and staffs, he quickly created a coarse crowd from volunteer members of the audience. Very funny… in the right context.

More and more, since I started writing pantomimes, I have tried to ensure that the chorus, as I generally call them, have some worthwhile lines, and significant involvement in the action. In my scripts I list ‘CHORUS #1,#2,#3, & #4’ against the lines, but state in the Production Notes, “Whilst the lines in the script are allocated to just 4 chorus members, they can be shared out as you wish, to more or less… depending on your preference, and the talents of your company.”

During my recent efforts to inform amateur drama and musical theatre groups about my latest script… ‘Sleeping Beauty’… I have visited quite a few of their websites, and seen a good number of photographs from their pantomime productions old and new. What is often very noticeable is the chorus, standing around like the stolid spectators on the ‘Antiques Roadshow’. Even worse is where they are talking to each other at the back of the stage, whilst the principals are acting their knickers off at the front.

I am not apportioning all the blame to those valuable people, the members of the chorus. Maybe they have never been told what to do, or perhaps there has been an instruction to “Just act naturally”. Well… acting ain’t natural, and a director should know it, and guide the chorus where necessary. Of course, the script may not help, and that is why I am trying my best to provide worthwhile involvement for the ‘extras’.

I remember seeing a video of a pantomime produced somewhere in Scotland, where the stage was absolutely jam-packed with extras, in a scene reminiscent of the opening day of a New Year sale at an Oxford Street store. There were even youngsters sat on steps at each side of the stage, from where they couldn’t possibly involve themselves in the action. The answer to this must surely be that the number on stage has to be limited, but offset the reduced number of appearances with worthwhile participation. Again, the script can help.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Breaking… or even ‘waking’ news!

Now there are nineteen… scripts that is… in the G. Wizz Promotions catalogue. The latest addition is a version of the Charles Perrault classic, ‘Sleeping Beauty’. And once again… (CUE FANFARE), we have beaten Hollywood to the punch. Their twist on the tale, ‘Malificent’, doesn’t hit the screens until the 30^th of May. Someone ought to give them a wake-up call! Hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

Everyone should follow their dream… unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 

THE IDIOTS’ LANTERN

The other day, I came across this quote from American comedy writer, Robert Orben… “What bothers me about television is that it takes our minds off our minds.” It was written well before 12 million people recently tuned in to watch the launch of the 13^th series of ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”.

Which brings me to the question that has been puzzling me of for some time… why do amateur drama/operatic groups do their best to get people out of their homes to experience live entertainment, and then pack their pantomimes with references to the banality that’s on the goggle box? Seems a bit lit running a Chinese restaurant and serving up bangers and mash!

I very rarely read scripts by other writers, and generally when I do, I often struggle to get past the first couple of pages, but even such a swift squint can reveal repeated references to the television soaps, sitcoms, and the so-called reality shows, plus copious contrived catchphrases.

Only three months or so ago, actor Ray Winstone hit out at the number of cookery and reality television programmes being shown on television, claiming they are being commissioned at the expense of new dramas. Well, Raymond, I would add antique shows, property-buying binges, and the many medical melodramas, both fictional and factual.

It is my belief that today television is in the main, what you can get away with, and often, it is a case of … to paraphrase Monty Python… “And now for something completely the same.”

In the year 2009 I slogged through a sorry saga involving an amateur theatre group who had decided to present my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’. I received e-mail messages stating, “We very much liked the script and are looking forward to our next successful production.”, and “We look forward to performing your version of Snow White. It will be a refreshing change from our usual style of pantomime.” Ten weeks later, they informed me about “…amendments we have made to the script.” They wanted to change the title to ‘Snow White and the Eleven Hoodies’. The whole of the second half had been practically rewritten, by someone snitching stuff straight from ‘Little Britain’, and ‘The Catherine Tate Show’… if you’ll pardon the expressions. Phone calls, and e-mail messages flew back and forth, but the end result was that I told them not Pygmalion likely, and I pulled the plug.

They informed me that one of the reasons why they changed it was that having dwarfs in the show offended some of their members who were social workers. I informed them that the term ‘social workers’ offended me, but I grin and bear it.

I make no claims for my scripts whatsoever. They are what they are. Amazingly, my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ is about a girl called Snow White who comes into contact with seven dwarfs, and I’m sure it didn’t metamorphose into something else during the ten weeks it was in the group’s possession.

I pointed out to them that a dwarf is a creature from Germanic mythology, and not particularly common in the British Isles, although there are many small fairies that might be called dwarfs, they generally have names of their own. The Cornish mine spirits are called Knockers, Blue-caps and Dunters. The Duergars are a race of ugly dwarfs from Northumberland, and the Redcaps are murderous dwarfs who dwell in the border country between England and Scotland. (ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE ACCENT) Not a lot of people know that!

I also puzzle over why amateur groups are presenting television comedy shows on stage, and trying their best to look and act like the thesps who played the parts on the small screen. We have actors pretending to be Gorden Kaye, pretending to be René François Artois, in ‘Allo ‘Allo’, or pretending to be John Cleese pretending to be Basil Fawlty in ‘Fawlty Towers’, or pretending to be Su Pollard pretending to be Peggy Ollerenshaw in ‘Hi-de-Hi’… etc. I find this really quite bizarre. Should everyone playing Richard III do an Olivier? Should all the Stanley Kowalskis be Brando? Should all the Lady Bracknells ditto Dame Edith Evans? “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” Herman Melville

Many moons ago, when I did a spell as a lecturer, I was asked to take a group of students to see a professional production of the musical ‘Sugar’, which is based on my favourite film… ‘Some Like It Hot’. Now, the girl playing the female lead… Sugar Kane… has got a real problem. Either she tries to play it like Marilyn Monroe, as per the film, in which case, despite the best blonde wig available, she will fall well short, or she decides to do it her own way, and the punters who have seen the film will say, “She wasn’t a patch on Marilyn Monroe, was she?” It would be best to avoid that role entirely, but then parts can sometimes be few and far between for working actors, and there are bills to pay, so I suppose you just give it your best shot, and move on

For those who do believe that imitation is the best form of flattery, The Los Angeles-based ‘Sock Puppet Sitcom Theater’ is presenting some classic TV sitcoms performed solely (ha-ha!) by socks, with the addition of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. Their repertoire includes, ‘I Love Lucy’, ‘Hogan's Heroes’, ‘Three's Company’, ‘Cheers’, ‘The Golden Girls’, ‘Roseanne’, ‘Absolutely Fabulous’, and ‘Friends’.

Recently, they refashioned ‘Cinderella’ into a sock puppet sitcom-style extravaganza, complete with laugh tracks, foley artist, and commercial breaks. Now that, I would go and see! I reckon it’s rather appropriate that a sock Cinders would have a slipper. Should be one way of keeping audience members of all ages in stitches… hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

to all our reader!

At this time of the year, here is an appropriate quote from Marilyn Monroe…

“I've been on a calendar, but never on time.”

The nonpareil Norma Jeane stars in my favourite film, ‘Some Like It Hot’, as Sugar Kane… “I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.”

Here’s the trailer...