THE IDIOTS’ LANTERN
The other day, I came across this quote
from American comedy writer, Robert Orben… “What bothers me about television is
that it takes our minds off our minds.” It was written well before 12 million
people recently tuned in to watch the launch of the 13th series of
‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”.
Which brings me to the question that has
been puzzling me of for some time… why do amateur drama/operatic groups do
their best to get people out of their homes to experience live entertainment, and
then pack their pantomimes with references to the banality that’s on the goggle
box? Seems a bit lit running a Chinese restaurant and serving up bangers and
mash!
I very rarely read scripts by other
writers, and generally when I do, I often struggle to get past the first couple
of pages, but even such a swift squint can reveal repeated references to the television
soaps, sitcoms, and the so-called reality shows, plus copious contrived catchphrases.
Only three months or so ago, actor Ray
Winstone hit out at the number of cookery and reality television programmes
being shown on television, claiming they are being commissioned at the expense
of new dramas. Well, Raymond, I would add antique shows, property-buying
binges, and the many medical melodramas, both fictional and factual.
It is my belief that today television is in
the main, what you can get away with, and often, it is a case of … to
paraphrase Monty Python… “And now for something completely the same.”
In the year 2009 I slogged through a sorry
saga involving an amateur theatre group who had decided to present my version
of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’. I received e-mail messages stating, “We very much liked the script and are
looking forward to our next successful production.”, and “We look forward to
performing your version of Snow White. It will be a refreshing change from our
usual style of pantomime.” Ten weeks later, they informed me about
“…amendments we have made to the script.” They wanted to change the title to
‘Snow White and the Eleven Hoodies’. The whole of the second half had been
practically rewritten, by someone snitching stuff straight from ‘Little
Britain’, and ‘The Catherine Tate Show’… if you’ll pardon the expressions.
Phone calls, and e-mail messages flew back and forth, but the end result was
that I told them not Pygmalion likely,
and I pulled the plug.
They informed me that one of the reasons
why they changed it was that having dwarfs in the show offended some of their
members who were social workers. I informed them that the term ‘social workers’
offended me, but I grin and bear it.
I make no claims for my scripts whatsoever.
They are what they are. Amazingly, my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs’ is about a girl called Snow White who comes into contact with seven
dwarfs, and I’m sure it didn’t metamorphose into something else during the ten
weeks it was in the group’s possession.
I pointed out
to them that a dwarf is a creature from Germanic mythology, and not particularly common in the British Isles, although there are many small fairies that
might be called dwarfs, they generally have names of their own. The Cornish
mine spirits are called Knockers, Blue-caps and Dunters. The Duergars are a
race of ugly dwarfs from Northumberland, and the Redcaps are murderous dwarfs
who dwell in the border country between England
and Scotland.
(ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE ACCENT) Not a lot of people know that!
I also puzzle over why amateur groups are
presenting television comedy shows on stage, and trying their best to look and
act like the thesps who played the parts on the small screen. We have actors
pretending to be Gorden Kaye, pretending to be René François Artois, in ‘Allo
‘Allo’, or pretending to be John Cleese pretending to be Basil Fawlty in
‘Fawlty Towers’, or pretending to be Su Pollard pretending to be Peggy
Ollerenshaw in ‘Hi-de-Hi’… etc. I find this really quite bizarre. Should
everyone playing Richard III do an Olivier? Should all the Stanley Kowalskis be
Brando? Should all the Lady Bracknells ditto Dame Edith Evans? “It is better to fail in originality than to
succeed in imitation.” Herman Melville
Many
moons ago, when I did a spell as a lecturer, I was asked to take a group of
students to see a professional production of the musical ‘Sugar’, which is
based on my favourite film… ‘Some Like It Hot’. Now, the girl playing the
female lead… Sugar Kane… has got a real problem. Either she tries to play it
like Marilyn Monroe, as per the film, in which case, despite the best blonde
wig available, she will fall well short, or she decides to do it her own way,
and the punters who have seen the film will say, “She wasn’t a patch on Marilyn
Monroe, was she?” It would be best to avoid that role entirely, but then parts
can sometimes be few and far between for working actors, and there are
bills to pay, so I suppose you just give it your best shot, and move on
For those who do believe that imitation is
the best form of flattery, The Los Angeles-based ‘Sock Puppet Sitcom Theater’ is
presenting some classic TV sitcoms performed solely (ha-ha!) by socks, with the
addition of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. Their repertoire includes, ‘I Love
Lucy’, ‘Hogan's Heroes’, ‘Three's Company’, ‘Cheers’, ‘The Golden Girls’, ‘Roseanne’,
‘Absolutely Fabulous’, and ‘Friends’.
Recently, they refashioned ‘Cinderella’ into
a sock puppet sitcom-style extravaganza, complete with laugh tracks, foley
artist, and commercial breaks. Now that, I would go and see! I reckon it’s
rather appropriate that a sock Cinders would have a slipper. Should be one way
of keeping audience members of all ages in stitches… hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!
