THE IDIOTS’ LANTERN

The other day, I came across this quote from American comedy writer, Robert Orben… “What bothers me about television is that it takes our minds off our minds.” It was written well before 12 million people recently tuned in to watch the launch of the 13^th series of ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”.

Which brings me to the question that has been puzzling me of for some time… why do amateur drama/operatic groups do their best to get people out of their homes to experience live entertainment, and then pack their pantomimes with references to the banality that’s on the goggle box? Seems a bit lit running a Chinese restaurant and serving up bangers and mash!

I very rarely read scripts by other writers, and generally when I do, I often struggle to get past the first couple of pages, but even such a swift squint can reveal repeated references to the television soaps, sitcoms, and the so-called reality shows, plus copious contrived catchphrases.

Only three months or so ago, actor Ray Winstone hit out at the number of cookery and reality television programmes being shown on television, claiming they are being commissioned at the expense of new dramas. Well, Raymond, I would add antique shows, property-buying binges, and the many medical melodramas, both fictional and factual.

It is my belief that today television is in the main, what you can get away with, and often, it is a case of … to paraphrase Monty Python… “And now for something completely the same.”

In the year 2009 I slogged through a sorry saga involving an amateur theatre group who had decided to present my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’. I received e-mail messages stating, “We very much liked the script and are looking forward to our next successful production.”, and “We look forward to performing your version of Snow White. It will be a refreshing change from our usual style of pantomime.” Ten weeks later, they informed me about “…amendments we have made to the script.” They wanted to change the title to ‘Snow White and the Eleven Hoodies’. The whole of the second half had been practically rewritten, by someone snitching stuff straight from ‘Little Britain’, and ‘The Catherine Tate Show’… if you’ll pardon the expressions. Phone calls, and e-mail messages flew back and forth, but the end result was that I told them not Pygmalion likely, and I pulled the plug.

They informed me that one of the reasons why they changed it was that having dwarfs in the show offended some of their members who were social workers. I informed them that the term ‘social workers’ offended me, but I grin and bear it.

I make no claims for my scripts whatsoever. They are what they are. Amazingly, my version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ is about a girl called Snow White who comes into contact with seven dwarfs, and I’m sure it didn’t metamorphose into something else during the ten weeks it was in the group’s possession.

I pointed out to them that a dwarf is a creature from Germanic mythology, and not particularly common in the British Isles, although there are many small fairies that might be called dwarfs, they generally have names of their own. The Cornish mine spirits are called Knockers, Blue-caps and Dunters. The Duergars are a race of ugly dwarfs from Northumberland, and the Redcaps are murderous dwarfs who dwell in the border country between England and Scotland. (ASSUMES MICHAEL CAINE ACCENT) Not a lot of people know that!

I also puzzle over why amateur groups are presenting television comedy shows on stage, and trying their best to look and act like the thesps who played the parts on the small screen. We have actors pretending to be Gorden Kaye, pretending to be René François Artois, in ‘Allo ‘Allo’, or pretending to be John Cleese pretending to be Basil Fawlty in ‘Fawlty Towers’, or pretending to be Su Pollard pretending to be Peggy Ollerenshaw in ‘Hi-de-Hi’… etc. I find this really quite bizarre. Should everyone playing Richard III do an Olivier? Should all the Stanley Kowalskis be Brando? Should all the Lady Bracknells ditto Dame Edith Evans? “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” Herman Melville

Many moons ago, when I did a spell as a lecturer, I was asked to take a group of students to see a professional production of the musical ‘Sugar’, which is based on my favourite film… ‘Some Like It Hot’. Now, the girl playing the female lead… Sugar Kane… has got a real problem. Either she tries to play it like Marilyn Monroe, as per the film, in which case, despite the best blonde wig available, she will fall well short, or she decides to do it her own way, and the punters who have seen the film will say, “She wasn’t a patch on Marilyn Monroe, was she?” It would be best to avoid that role entirely, but then parts can sometimes be few and far between for working actors, and there are bills to pay, so I suppose you just give it your best shot, and move on

For those who do believe that imitation is the best form of flattery, The Los Angeles-based ‘Sock Puppet Sitcom Theater’ is presenting some classic TV sitcoms performed solely (ha-ha!) by socks, with the addition of googly eyes and pipe cleaners. Their repertoire includes, ‘I Love Lucy’, ‘Hogan's Heroes’, ‘Three's Company’, ‘Cheers’, ‘The Golden Girls’, ‘Roseanne’, ‘Absolutely Fabulous’, and ‘Friends’.

Recently, they refashioned ‘Cinderella’ into a sock puppet sitcom-style extravaganza, complete with laugh tracks, foley artist, and commercial breaks. Now that, I would go and see! I reckon it’s rather appropriate that a sock Cinders would have a slipper. Should be one way of keeping audience members of all ages in stitches… hotcha, hotcha, hotcha!

to all our reader!

At this time of the year, here is an appropriate quote from Marilyn Monroe…

“I've been on a calendar, but never on time.”

The nonpareil Norma Jeane stars in my favourite film, ‘Some Like It Hot’, as Sugar Kane… “I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.”

Here’s the trailer...

As of 25.12.2013, Wikifonia, the on-line publisher of sheet music which combined a Music

XML-based technology in a wiki system, with copyright clearance, is a thing of the past. If one

brings up the site, there is a message, “Wikifonia is not available anymore. Find sheet music

on musescore.com.”

So… it is no more!  It has ceased to be!  It is now 'istory! It has run down the curtain.  IT IS AN EX-SITE!

Ah well, it was good while it lasted… as the soprano said to the sexton!

I have removed the blog ‘SPOTS BEFORE YOUR EYES’, where I gave information about Wikifonia.

It’s the Araby sandwich syndrome! Let me explain… when I was a whippersnapper, one of my

favourite biscuits was called “Araby sandwich”, which comprised a date filling, in a sealed sandwich of softish biscuit. I believe they were made by Fox’s of Batley, but I could be wrong on that count, and a search on the worldwide web has produced zippo. However, whoever made them stopped making them, and never started again. I used to like kidney soup, which was available in tins, but this appears to have disappeared off the face of the planet. Parkinson’s Doncaster butterscotch went missing, then had a revival a few years back, but that appears to have been short lived. And there’s more…

Having had a look at musescore.com site , I reckon it doesn’t really compare with Wikifonia. Someone has recommended chordmusic.com, which might be a better bet.

Websites listed are offered not as recommendations, but purely for information.

HM IN PANTO

Have a look at – bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25202454 – for some wonderful photographs of Lilibet and her sister strutting their stuff in pantos performed at Windsor between 1940 and 1944. A passable pair of pins too ma’am!

If the Queen wrote pantomimes, would she get royalties?

HORSING AROUND

The Wiere Brothers… Harry (Born Berlin 1906-1992), Herbert (Born Vienna 1908-1999), and Sylvester (Born Prague 1909-1970)… appeared as live performers from the 1920s to the late 1960s, and in films from the 1930s to the 1960s, including ‘Double Trouble’ (1967), with Elvis Presley.

In 1962, the threesome made their way into television on their own series called “Oh, Those Bells!” which aired on CBS, and contained slapstick comedy.

They continued to perform up until the 1970s, however following Sylvester’s death in July 1970, the remaining two brothers, Harry and Herbert, discontinued their act.

Forget the dancing, it would take too long to get to that standard, but there are some marvy moves that you might use from the pantomime horse bit, which starts at 1 minute 4 seconds into the video ... providing you practice of course.

Forget the dancing, it would take too long to get to that standard, but there are some marvy moves that you might use from the pantomime horse bit, which starts at 1 minute 4 seconds into the video ... providing you practice of course.

ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE…

Here is some information from the website of a small amateur drama group based in one of the southern counties… but then, where I live, most counties are in the south, so that’s not giving much away, is it? To further preserve the anonymity, let’s call them the 'Pastope Players'. It was apropos their forthcoming pantomime production, and it appears here exactly as writ... warts and all.

There may not be parts for everyone, but as you know it is our usual approach to try to fit most volunteers into the production, by re-writing the script or as appropriate.

The are many parts that are there to fill, from treading the boardwalk, (be it to act or sing), help with backstage work from sorting props, designing, building and painting scenery as well as 'on the night' help with scene changing, lighting and sound, to the dressing room to help with make-up and costume design. Everyones role is as important as the other, It is all part of being invloved in a production.

I remember “Under the Boardwalk”, but "treading the boardwalk"? Oh, dear!

Of course people are perfectly free to join amateur dramatic and/or amateur operatic societies, and put on pantomimes. Let’s just be grateful they don’t take up architecture, or surgery, otherwise the graveyards would be full of unfortunate individuals who received inadequate medical attention after having had a building fall on them.

They include a quote from a review of their previous production, which appeared in a local rag…

… a funny script with so many local and topical references – just what panto should be.

Well… no! Panto should be well-acted, well-sung, well-danced, well-staged, well-dressed, well-lit, etc. with a decent cup of tea or coffee during the interval.

Why do I persist? Here’s a quote from Harrison Ford, speaking about his early clashes with film directors/producers indifferent to performance standards… “From the beginning I believed that staying the course was what counted. I outlast the bastards. The sheer process of attrition wears the others down. That was my belief then. It still is now.” ‘The Sporting  World’ (Lynam and Teasdale) BBC Books. 1994

I am not against amateurs by the way. Over the years, I have been in quite a number of shows with some very talented amateurs, and I have also appeared in productions with professionals who acted more off stage than they did on.

EXIT STAGE LEFT…

A quote from Will Rogers: "He (Texas Jack Jnr.) had a little Wild West aggregation that visited the camps and did a tremendous business. I did some roping and riding, and Jack, who was one of the smartest showmen I ever knew, took a great interest in me. It was he who gave me the idea for my original stage act with my pony. I learned a lot about the show business from him. He could do a bum act with a rope that an ordinary man couldn't get away with, and make the audience think it was great, so I used to study him by the hour, and from him I learned the great secret of the show business – knowing when to get off. It's the fellow who knows when to quit that the audience wants more of."

The youngest of eight children, Will Rogers was born in 1879 at the family ranch in Oologah, Indian Territory (what is now Oklahoma). His first real job was in the livestock business in Argentina. He transported pack animals across the South Atlantic from Buenos Aires to South Africa for use in the Boer War (1899-1902), and it was there that he joined ‘Texas Jack's Wild West Show’, where he drew upon his expertise with horse and lasso. Returning to America, he brought his talents to vaudeville, and by 1917 was a Ziegfeld Follies star.

Roger’s cracker-barrel philosophy; folksy humour, and pithy comments about the government appealed to the average American citizen.

He starred in 71 films and several Broadway productions. In 1934, he was voted the most popular male actor in Hollywood. His career broadened beyond the realm of show business. He became a prominent radio broadcaster and political commentator, and wrote 4,000 syndicated columns and six books.

Tragically, in 1935, his life was cut short at the age of 55, when he died in the Arctic crash of a plane piloted by the world-renowned, one-eyed pioneer aviator, Wiley Post (in which Post died as well).

Texas Jack (Jnr.) c.1860-1905, was the adopted son of frontier scout, actor and cowboy, Texas Jack Omohundro, who in 1872, appeared with "Buffalo Bill" Cody in one of the original Wild West Shows, in Chicago.