A bleated HAPPY NEW YEAR to all our reader!
Please forgive my tardiness, but I have been very busy... and you have no idea how difficult it is to get a budgie out of a treacle tart!

BLOWING

ONES

LINES

According to the BBC News website (9.1.2016) a certain Stacey (Chanelle Charlene) Solomon… who I must confess, I wouldn’t know if she fell out of a cornflake packet, on to my breakfast table… has incurred the ire of some panto punters by reading lines from a clipboard, whilst “playing” (my quotes) the role of Fairy Bowbells on the opening day of ‘Dick Whittington’ at Milton Keynes Theatre.

It is reported that Solomon's representative told the Daily Mail she had not had time to learn her lines or rehearse with the rest of the cast because she had been co-hosting ITV's 'I'm A Celebrity Extra Camp' in Australia. Nuff said!

Pantomime producer Kevin Wood is quoted as saying, "Stacey chose to take to the stage having just returned from the jungle as she didn't want to disappoint her fans by not appearing in the show. The script was a "prompt" to ensure the show ran smoothly, and she "should be applauded for her professionalism", he added. To quote Mandy Rice Davis (allegedly) "Well, he would, wouldn't he?"

You think doing a pantomime is easy? It takes a lot of effort to come up with all the necessary excuses after a show like this is over!

Photographs of the event show that the clipboard was just a bog standard version with narrow strips of sparkly, sticky tape stuck across the top and bottom. Why not cover it with something fluffy or feathery, or… maybe just learn the lines?

Tickets for this tackiness cost on average, between £14 and £35.

If this should happen to anyone else in Pantoland, particularly if they are dealing with someone who is a legend before their time, I have written the following bit of dialogue to detract from the debacle...

BOWBELLS   I have just flown in from the land of Oz,

                     No… please… darlings…save the apploz!

                     Don’t know if I’m on my head or my heels,

                     And saying that… the fairy reels…

                     (REELS) Oooo…

                     Now that I’ve landed I’m feeling quite floored,

                     So here’s me lines… on this clipboard.

                     I'm hoping you’ll forgive me, just this once…

                     It’s jet lag… not ‘cos I’m a dunce!

                     CURTSEYS

This should be played over-the-top, and drum hits would enhance the reeling.

I well remember dear reader, that when I was in weekly rep I played the leading role in Molière’s ‘School for Wives’. The script was 100 pages long, I was on stage for 99 of those pages, and we did it in four-and-a-half day’s rehearsal. No clipboard, no prompter, just sheer "get out there" guts! That really was a wing and a prayer job. Ahhh... they don't write reminiscences like that anymore.

Clip Board and the Cribs... would have been a great name for a pop group in the sixties!

GETTING ON

I have referred to having seen pantomime Dames making an entrance on a mobility scooter, and also a skateboard. It wasn’t funny, and… it wasn’t funny! Presumably someone thought these were novel ideas. They weren't!

Also, I have expressed my dislike of these leading 'ladies' making an entrance dressed as a dining table, a Christmas cake, a football stadium, or in any other outrageous costume.

So… how do you make that all-important giant step for damekind? Let me count the ways…

You could make it fast or slow, silly or stately, dramatic or daft… it all depends on the character. Ah! Now we’re getting somewhere!

1. Stately/regal... providing of course it suits the character, or if the character might be somewhat pretentious (surely not!). To prick the balloon, you could put a comedy trip in there somewhere (see below)
2. Prima donna... soaking up the adulation, even if there isn't any.
3. Facing the wrong way... i.e., upstage... followed by a turn, being slightly startled, then a nervous laugh.
4. Prepare to say the first line then do a double take and peer quizzically at audience, just for reassurance that there are people out there, and they don't appear to be hostile. It's a throwaway, so make it quick.
5. Enter miming talking back to wings as though there has been some problem. Then spot audience, give a slight shock reaction, and have a quick preen before starting the dialogue.
6. Comedy trip... could be included in a normal entrance, followed by a nervous laugh. Again, it's a throwaway, so don't milk it.
7. Nervous... perhaps the most difficult to do, since you will probably be nervous anyway, but it needs to be exaggerated, although not overdone.
8. Superstar... shades of the prima donna as above, but with glitz galore. Maybe finish with a dismissive wave when the audience response is not ecstatic.
9. Jolly/friendly... lots of bounce, waving to audience.
10. Dramatic... very purposeful, but probably best to include a slight pause, followed by a shrug of realisation that things aren't as dramatic as all that.
11. Conspiratorial... with slight beckoning to the audience and quick glances off stage, to draw the punters into your little world.
12. Creep on secretively... then when down centre stage stop, have a quick think about what you are actually doing there, give a quick dismissive "what the heck" wave, and go into your spiel normally.
    
13. If you must have transport how about a sedan chair or litter, which the dictionary describes as ‘an enclosed or curtained couch mounted on shafts and used to carry a single passenger’ or, more simply, ‘a light bed or seat held between parallel sticks’. You might decorate it, and have curtains attached, from which your dameness could appear, seductively even. Obviously you will have to build a sturdy prop, and find some strong lackeys to do the carrying.
    
    Any doubts... leave it out. Collapse of stout party would not be funny. Maybe there could be fabric on each side, scraping the floor, so that madam could actually walk, hidden from view, with the lackeys grimacing under the apparent weight of course. Then when the litter is lowered to the ground, she is revealed in all her glory. If two porters can manage it, then Mrs. Fanackapan could proclaim... "What a carry on, eh? It's the only way to travel... by sedan. (POINTS TO LACKEY #1) This is Sid… (POINTS TO LACKEY #2) and this is Dan!" It would even work with a foursome, indicating just the leading lackeys.

There you are... a free gag, courtesy of G. Wizz! Am I good to you or am I good to you? Answers on a postcard to:  76 Sydney Green Street, St. Tesco, Scilly Isles.

Whatever entrance you use, its should of course match the dialogue in the script. G. Wizz is not encouraging anyone to ad-lib... never has, and never will!

COMEDY TRIP

No... it's not a day out at Custard Pie Park in Prestatyn! It's a bit of funny physicality, which is easy to execute, but difficult to describe.

During a normal walk, the left foot goes forward. As the right foot follows, it is turned sideways, and the front part of the right foot is dragged quickly against the heel of the left foot.

This is followed by an exaggerated pitch forward. Practice so that it can be done smoothly, to give the impression that it’s an actual trip.

Don’t look down at your feet whilst doing it. It’s the pitch forward that makes it work – Newton's third law: ‘For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.’… or something like that.

I am very right-handed, perhaps if you are left-handed you might find it easier to strike the left foot with the right foot. Whichever way, try to make it look as natural as possible.

CROSS TALK

Here’s a joke:

“Did you take a bath?”

“Why, is there one missing?”

Horrible joke! Dean and I actually did that joke. And we made it work. Because we believed in it from the bottom of our hearts. Sometimes believing makes the difference. Jerry Lewis

LAMP FOLLOWERS

There are reports that the recent West End launch of the Disney musical 'Aladdin' was broadly welcomed by critics, with a number suggesting it shows "panto has come early this year".

Well… it ain’t a panto, is it?

However, the review in one leading newspaper begged to differ, stating, "…little registers emotionally…"…

Wherever possible, in my scripts, I try to inject some pathos into characters such as the Dame. It is a quality of an experience that stirs up emotions of pity, sympathy and sorrow. Pathos can be expressed through words, pictures or even with gestures of the body. Haven’t I said that you’ve got to play the character? So, you ego-trippers need to add a third dimension to your portrayals.

The same review stated that the show… “barely rises above the generic…”

If by “generic”, the critic meant, “Lacking imagination or individuality; predictable and unoriginal”, then… wow! But then of course, this is the Mickey Mouse outfit!

A  CLOTHES CALL (1)

My regular reader will know that I am not keen on actors who do a ‘paint-by-numbers’ makeup job when playing a dame in pantomime. Nor am I fan of outrageous costumes which most likely take months and a mound of moolah to make, for just the one laugh. These are two dimensional dames, we never believe it's a real person... not for one second.

I have also referred to pantomime costumes, the like of which have never been worn by anyone since before Methuselah was a lad!

It occurred to me that I might do the occasional post about costumes, and so here goes with the Chinese policemen (or women) from ‘Aladdin’. Numero uno.in a series of... who knows?

             
The  costumes illustrated above show the kind of garb I am not keen on. I have obliterated the faces so that nobody need feel badly done by. Yes, I know it’s all a matter of taste, but I reckon I have the freedom to offer an alternative. After all, each one of these is different from the next. "Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion." (Will Rogers - "The Cowboy Philosopher")

For me, number one and number two are far too fussy. I don't like the checks with the stripes, and the guy in number two looks somewhat overwhelmed by the outfit. Number three looks more like a prison uniform, and number four has the addition of what I presume to be the local football club's team colours, in some sort of scarf attachment... heigh-ho!

My solution (illustrated left) aims for simplicity and comfort. It's a good old-fashioned union suit, which would require the addition of large silver buttons, boots (clown shoes might look good), and a helmet. Flashing police helmets are available, but you will require some means of controlling the light, perhaps just for entrances and exits, and maybe when one or the other gets annoyed or flummoxed.

Add epaulets, and two breast pockets (which needn't be practical), with buttons. Self-cover buttons would be the cheapest. They are available in large sizes, and being made from bright metal, they would pick up the light. What you do is attach them without any covers.You could experiment with a stiff collar and a bow tie. 

I accept that there is no Chinese aspect, but if you didn't know about the costumes illustrated above, would you associate them with the Orient? Keeping the costume simple and easy to wear gives the actor more freedom to act. He or she needs to think about affecting a way of walking, an appropriate stance, and other ways of establishing a character. With this approach, the costume doesn't get in the way.

A red nose, a walrus moustache, exaggerated eyebrows or the Harry Langdon look (see right), with white makeup, heavily outlined eyes, and thin lips,might add the finishing touches. Use contrasting makeup for the two characters.

“Character is an important aspect to the clown. Much more important than the makeup and costume. Anyone can dress as a clown, but it takes a special person to have a character.” (Clown Education Online)

“Perhaps my definition of comedy is at odds with current trends, but I just believe that to gain the sympathy of the audience for your character, you have to maintain a sense of reality, no matter how fantastical the situation becomes.” (Kenneth Williams quoted in - ‘Carry On Laughing’ Adrian Rigelsford: Virgin Books 1996)

“…in my impersonations, for example, I seriously study the person I wish to imitate and rehearse the impersonation many times in the serious vein, before I even attempt to give it a humorous twist. Then I try to insert the humour while still in the character of the person I am portraying. Thus, the basis of actuality is given to the impersonation." (Comedian Willie Howard, regarded as one of the giants of American Vaudeville.)